It’s moments like these when my heart begins to hurt and I wonder what we have become. I want to know when the dust settles and our hearts begin to heal, will we ever talk it over? Is there already too much damage that can no longer repair it, just replace it? I never wanted to replace you; I never wanted to see you go. All those moments where I held you close, cried with you, laughed with you, felt your pain and wondered, “How can I help her?” don’t just go away. They never truly fade, and yet the damage is something I cannot fix.
It’s funny how over time, those joyful moments became something we hated about each other. During this time where our wounds are still fresh, we look back and think, “Wow, how could she act that way? Why did she just let me make those mistakes?” Our quirks became the thing we hated about one another; what made us who we were, what we used to love about each other, became the very thing that tore us apart. We look back right now and we see our memories in a different lens. It’s not rose-colored or in enhanced lighting, it’s not even filterless. Those memories have become grungy, gray, filled with thoughts of “How could I miss this about them? Why wasn’t that a sign?” I ask of you—no, I beg of you—when your heart stops hurting, please see those moments without any kind of lens and just see them for how they were.
Those memories are our memories. Please don’t taint them with the pain you and I are in.
I know you hate me right now, and you might hate me for a long time. It’s funny how I used to hold hatred so close to my heart but found it hard to cut off people who I grew that hatred for. I learned over time, and now instead of hating people, I easily let them go. I thought I grew in a way that was more mature and enlightened. However, in reality, the best approach to losing someone or keeping them is a middle ground. You don’t just hate them in silence, keeping them in your life and hoping they will change or see what they are doing, and you don’t just let them go without expressing yourself and what you need. There is a careful balance between communicating what hurts you and how you’re feeling. Communicate the happiness, the sadness, the appreciative things, or the things that made you feel small. I couldn’t communicate with you, and it hurts knowing that if I could have just told you everything before it all blew up we might still have a fighting chance of being best friends again.
I want you to know that you should grow. You should keep blooming and shining. Please go see the world, fight for what you believe in, hold your ground. Over the last few years I watched you gain this confidence indescribable to anyone who didn’t know you before. You became something so powerful and beautiful, you broke the shell you grew in and now you’re searching for a larger shell that will help protect you while you keep growing. I cannot believe that I am not part of that shell, the shell that would support you, but I understand why I am not.
I am sorry if you resent me for cutting people out of your life. I always thought best friends should just hate whoever the other person hated. So I hated whoever you did not like and would actively poke fun or gossip for your sake, even if I actually felt indifferent or liked the person. I wanted to be supportive in whatever capacity I could. I should have stood up for myself, told you I didn’t feel hatred towards the past people in your life and in my life. Keep in mind, however, that which you blame me for, I can also blame you for. For we walked the same path and it was not one sided.
When we became friends, we both were in a really hard time. We were discovering who we were. We had people in our lives that weren’t benefiting us and we were not benefiting them. Where you plant your flowers is where they grow. We planted flowers together in a field of misery, darkness, pain, and resentment. We grew our flowers together, intertwining our lives and feelings. Over the years, we slowly started to go our own way, plant flowers in more beautiful and sunny spots. We forgot to plant new flowers together in those pretty spots we found. Slowly, the old ones died, and what remained were our separate paths.
I am sorry we could not communicate or express ourselves. I am so sorry you have turned our memories gray and purple for the clouds of toxicity you think I possess. I will accept that I cannot change how you perceive my friendship; I cannot control your feelings. If you think I was toxic, then that is your right. I strongly believe I did the best I could given the circumstances we were under.
I hope one day the flowers we planted in the beautiful spots of our lives will grow together. If not, I hope they can pass each other by and know we are both beautiful in our new shells.