There is something appealing about the New Year. A fresh start, a clean slate, 365 empty pages in our life waiting for us to fill. A chance to put the past behind us, our troubles put to bed. What a wonderful feeling to turn our backs to the old and face what is to come. It’s a relief to finally consider something to have happened “last year,” as if it puts a big gap between then and now.
I have learned so much in just a span of a year. It has been a rollercoaster of highs and lows. It’s as if I felt every emotion known to man within this bittersweet year. As if the very core of my being has been put to test, my faith challenged as my whole life unfolded before me. It’s as if wave after wave of happiness, love, pain, grief, anger, hatred, blame, guilt and sadness has hit me and pulled me under. It’s as if each of this emotion were fighting to get inside me all at the same time. It was so overwhelming it sometimes took my breath away
It amazes me how a human heart can withstand all these emotions and still be able to beat life through you.
There were moments when I thought I’d break and snap from the sheer force of it. But I didn’t, I’m still here, heart beating stronger than ever. Before this, I didn’t know my heart could hold so much, as if expanding itself to hold every single emotion shoved at it. And that’s when I knew how strong I am. To hold everything inside me and not shutter into millions of pieces.
I’m still reeling from the aftermath of it, like there is a sore spot in my heart that is now healing, albeit slowly. The pain, it ebbs and flows. Some days I would forget it was there and then some days it would make its presence known, throbbing, aching, reaching out to me. Sometimes I manage to ignore it, putting it away, like something I can hide at the back of my mind. While other times it will catch me off guard, like someone would shove their finger right in the middle of that sore spot until it bleeds again.
Though I know deep inside this won’t go on forever, I sometimes wish that I could press the forward button so I’d be in a time where all these things would be nothing more than a distant memory. Something akin to a faded scar that you can touch but could no longer feel the pain. But unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. You must follow its course, let yourself flow with it. Never rushing, just being in the moment, feeling everything that you need to feel, learning from it, drawing strength from it.
Time waits for no one. It doesn’t stop turning just because you’re grieving. It doesn’t wait for you until you feel like you’re ready to push forward again. It passes, sometimes in a soothing manner, calm and quiet, other times lurching you abruptly, unsteadily. But pass it does.
So live in the moment. Looking at the bright side seem easier said than done, especially when it feels like the darkness is closing in on you. But you have got to find a way to look into things in a different light. Find the courage to forgive amidst feelings of betrayal. To hold on to anger will weigh you down and stop you from moving forward. But forgiving sets you free.
There’s not enough words to describe the pain of being hurt by the ones you love and trust. You give your heart to them, expecting them to be gentle with it, actually believing that they will take care of it, but finding out too late that they have no qualms in crushing it and dropping it on the ground. But clinging on to the hurt will do more damage than good. You have to pick up your heart – or whatever is left of it – and start putting the pieces back together. It is your heart, so you know it well enough to glue it back again.
Know that everything is temporary, so this pain will end. Soon, everything will make sense, it will reveal itself and make you realize that what happened needed to happen. So let go of all the things that you cannot control. Put everything in a box and throw it in the Universe and let things unfold. Focus on you, take care of you. Do the things that make you feel good and happy. Feeling lost and vulnerable is a way of life. Use this moment to find yourself. With grief comes healing. Every pain you feel will mold you into a better and stronger person.
Every ache is a sign that what you felt before was real but that you no longer need to feel it. It is always darkest before the dawn, so believe that this pain will end eventually.
Don’t focus on the hurt or loss, focus instead on how far you have come. You have come a long way, you are here, with all the blessings around you, with all the trials you have overcome, with your family and all your friends giving you love and support unconditionally. You have come so far to just give up now. You are here, living, breathing, despite everything. Look ahead, revel in the beauty of the unknown, of the blank pages that you are about to fill. You are in control. There is beauty in the unknown, the fact that the best days of our lives are yet to come. What a beautiful thing to realize that when nothing is certain, anything is possible and that there are far better things ahead, far better than any you leave behind.