I Hope I Can Handle Liking You


I think I like you.

Is karmic debt a thing? Maybe it is. If I’m using my mind, I would have run already. It’s like the universe has already given me the answer to this: this will end and you will feel pain. Somehow, no matter how clear things are, I can’t seem to go. I’m still rooted exactly where I am. Did I do you bad in our past lives? For me to feel like I should stay even when I shouldn’t? Is this astrology and the stars working their way?

Or is it because I like you? Just that simple.

Why do I like you anyway? Is it the chase? The certainty that I would never have you? Are you a challenge? Is winning you over a challenge that I feel I want to win? But why can’t I have you?

I want to have you.

I want you.

I like the little glances we take—those discreet stares we give each other when nobody’s looking. I like the way we purposely bump into each other just so we could feel close. I like the way we high five when we couldn’t hold hands.

I like the way we share a secret and that secret is us.

I like the way you call me multiple times a day, telling me you want to hear my voice or see my face. I like the way you don’t smile all the time and yet when you laugh, it makes me stop. I like it when you sing or when you play the guitar. I like it when you ask me for a song and you play it on call. I like it when you tell me details—random little things, big lies, and personal stories.

I think I like you.

Why do I like you so much?

Is it your difference to everyone I know? The complicated story and challenge that comes with you? Or is it the way you become vulnerable at random times of day, your honesty even when unwarranted, or your unconventional kindness that doesn’t pretend?

I hope I know what makes me like you this much just so I could qualify and go. I hate that I don’t want to go. I hate that I want to risk my heart knowing the winning probability is me losing. I hope I can just go and forget that we ever clicked. Maybe that would’ve been better. But also maybe not.

I like you. A lot. I can only hope that I can handle this.