I Have To Believe That This Is Rock Bottom


Ever since I was little, probably seven or eight years old, whenever I saw a plane, my mind immediately wandered, and suddenly a million questions would flood through it. I would think about these people for what seemed like hours. Who are they? Where are they going? What’s going on in their lives that they need to be on this specific plane? What is going on in their personal lives that this flight is causing them to miss?

It seemed like the questions never ended but the answers were never definite either. There was never a solution. It was never anything but speculation.

While I’m writing this, the past few hours of my life have been the best few I can remember in months. But the past few days have been a complete and utter whirlwind of emotions and tears.

The past few months have been full of fighting with loved ones and fear of the future and how to prepare for what’s coming next. And the past few years have been constant change and struggle, trying to navigate my everyday obstacles.

This is what I am calling rock bottom, mainly because I don’t want to believe it can get worse than this.

I don’t think I can mentally or emotionally handle anything remotely worse than what is happening now. I want to think that it can only get better from here. I want to believe all the Pinterest quotes that I fall in love with. I relate to those quotes and music more than anything else. Lyrics – or even just simple words strung together in the right order – make me feel more understood than anything else. I’m not good at putting my thoughts into words or expressing my emotions, so these quotes help me begin to make sense of what I’m feeling.

Tonight, like I often do, I turned to Pinterest to find some meaningful words that would hopefully give me a little spark of faith. Quite frankly, faith that things will get better is fading quickly these days. But I came across a quote tonight that immediately caused tears to run down my face because it was everything that I needed to hear in a way that was meant for me.

“When everything seems to be going against you, remember that planes take off against the wind, not with it.”

I wish I could remember whose quote that is, because in such a hard time in my life, when love is not often seen or felt, they gave me a whole new reason to love something that has always made me happy. This comparison to a plane, an object that has always brought me joy, on a night that I felt so small and alone, when I was beginning to give up and run. That simple comparison to a plane somehow gave me that glimmer of hope that I was begging for. Because once planes get past the take off, they can soar across the world. Just like I have faith that once I get through this hard time, I will soar. A plane really is the most perfect example of the strength that I so desperately want and need in this chapter of my story. Airplanes. Airplanes and God are going to get me through this one.