It didn’t take me long to realize that nothing I did ever would have been good enough for you. It just took me too long to realize what that meant.
It wouldn’t have mattered if I had different hair, or bigger boobs. It wouldn’t have mattered if I had been able to charm your friends better, or if your mom had liked me more. It wouldn’t have mattered if I was happy, though maybe that would have prolonged things for a month or two.
I couldn’t have made you understand how I felt, I couldn’t have convinced you that my feelings were just as valid as everyone else’s.
I supported you in your dreams, did everything I could think of to encourage you and help you. All you did was make me feel like I couldn’t share mine with you. I did all the emotional labor and never complained. I planned every date, every romantic getaway, gave so many enthusiastic blow jobs and massages, and never asked for reciprocation. When you hurt my feelings, I never yelled or said spiteful things back. I approached you when my head was cool, like an adult, and didn’t accuse, only told you how you made me feel. You apologized. And then did those things again.
If there was a way I could have been more compassionate or more generous with my love, I can’t think of it- but it wouldn’t have mattered. I am not a perfect girlfriend, but, there’s nothing I regret.
Nothing I ever did, and no one I ever could be, would ever have been good enough for you. No one would have been good enough for you. I was just the one unlucky enough to fall for you, but if I hadn’t, it would have happened to the next girl. I didn’t see that until recently.
It wasn’t that I wasn’t good enough, it was that no one would have been good enough.
There was nothing I could have done to make you love me again because you weren’t capable of it, not because there was anything wrong or inadequate about me.
I’m still hurt, and I’m still angry. I want the months of my life back that you took from me, when I could have been with someone who could have loved me the way that I deserved.
But bit by bit, I find peace in knowing it was out of my control.
I was as beautiful and smart and interesting and loving as you could have ever needed, it wasn’t my fault that nothing would ever have been good enough for you.
I finally understand that that means I can now be good enough for someone else who understands my worth.