I Do Not Want To Love You, But I Do


You were never in love with me.

That should erase any lingering affection I solely reserve for you. That should resolve this agonized ache that burned painfully inside me. That should remove all the forbidden desire that tormented me with no hope of reprieve.

It does not. In fact it just makes me want you more.

If I could, I will set myself ablaze just so I can set our memories in flames. I will throw myself off the highest cliff just so I can watch grimly the last of us blown away by the wind. I will fall into the deep blue sea just so I can drown the tormented affection I have for you.

Let it burn, let it erase, let it shatter the last of us.

Loving you is like stargazing under a star-lit sky. Darkness envelopes around me yet never have I felt safer before. Loving you is like the darkest of night when you crush all my dreams and dash all my hopes. But the faint goodness of you radiate like the brightest of stars and the potential of what you could be and what we could have stopped me cold from storming out of your life.

Loving you is contradiction and confusion. There is too much chemistry, too much heat, and too much of you. You are in my face and one moment, I want to wipe that smirk off your smug face, when the next, I just want to grab your head down to mine and put my lips on yours. Words clash, voices raise, tension heighten. I want to push you away yet at the same time, I want to pull you closer. Run my fingers down your back. I want to run far away from you when in truth, I just want to abandon all my sanity. All I want is to fling myself onto you and never let go even as the world shatters around us.

Loving you is like the aftermath of a natural disaster or a deadly war. Battered and worn, bloody and defeated, my body is trembling of barely contained sobs and heavy grievances. I just want to throw up my hands in surrender. I just want to curl myself into a tight ball and cry myself into oblivious. I just want everything to end. But you, in the midst of my grief, you grab me tightly and shook me to my senses. You wipe my tears away almost tenderly. Your words rough and honest sound almost gentle as you sought to make me see the light.

In this wild reeling world, you are my only stability as I cling onto you for support.

Loving you is patience and going with the flow. I am not shocked if you leave. I will not be devastated if you decide to break my heart. I will not cry if you deliberately want me to. And I will not love you if you are incapable of feeling a shred of emotion for me.

Until then, I will choose to love you and hope you feel the same way.