I Could’ve Loved You, But You Wouldn’t Let Me


What started as a friends-with-benefits situation evolved into a non-relationship. And, now? No relationship at all. Here is the story of why I chose to leave my non-boyfriend and why it still hurts to say that.

Sometimes the timing is off. Sure, you’ve met an ideal guy or gal—physically attractive, smart, who actually enjoys your company, and makes you a better person. And, they think the same about you. However, time, distance, past and future decisions, or any combination of the three gets in the way.

Here’s my story:

He wasn’t perfect, but he was perfect for me. Although we didn’t have the same interests, we took the time to enjoy each other’s interests and what we liked to do. I could spend hours just talking with him. I listened to every outrageous story he had at the end of the day, and he did the same for me. He liked me and I liked him. That was stating the obvious.

Here’s the catch. He couldn’t commit. He had his excuses and his reasons; timing was one of them. His general reluctance should’ve been the red sign for me, but it wasn’t. I thought I could handle a friends-with-benefits relationship with feelings evolved.

I accepted what we were and we did everything two people in a non-relationship do—from going to doctor appointments, studying, eating, watching Netflix, sleeping (yes, sometimes just sleeping), going on road trips, spending hours talking about our lives at the end of the day, and anything else you can think of. We had a connection. We were inseparable. We were practically a couple, just without the label.

He cared. That much I knew. I fooled myself into thinking that things could always take a turn for the better. We were too good together for things not to end up the way I wanted, right? We were gross in a cute kind of way and were each other’s support system. There was potential. There was still hope.

So, I waited. I waited. I waited some more. After a year of waiting, his fear of commitment never changed. My want to not let the opportunity of an amazing guy go didn’t change either. We had been pulling in opposite directions and I knew that I couldn’t force him into a relationship if he didn’t want to. I was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I wanted to love him and wanted him to love me back. I wanted to fully immerse myself into a relationship that could’ve been nothing less that amazing. Ignorance wasn’t bliss.

He didn’t have it in him to take the next step forward, the step that I had been waiting for the entire time. He also didn’t want to end our non-relationship either. We were in a standstill, and I deserved better than that. So, I turned the other way and left.

Trust me, it wasn’t easy. It hurt. There were tears, endless rants, and enough ice cream to numb the pain. Walking away from someone who could’ve been leaves many questions unanswered, and closure did not come easily. But, I knew it was the right thing to do. I left because it hurt too much to know that someone I cared about couldn’t look past bad timing in order to pursue something that I perceived to be worthwhile. It hurts to know that someone I could’ve loved never gave me the chance to.

I don’t hate him and I don’t blame him. In honestly, he still holds a special place in my heart. We had an amazing connection and we were best friends. He just wasn’t ready and I was.