I Am Me Because Of You


You filled my life exquisitely. You dug up colors I hadn’t felt in years. Though you left in a storm cloud, you took away the grayness that had hung over my life like a deadline. I was me again.

It’s weird because when people talk about breakups, they say that you lose a part of who you were, the you that existed with them. It’s not quite true. Yes, I felt a twinge of loss, but now I’m filled to the brim. You made me more me than ever.

And I want to thank you, for the unbelievable and tragic universe you helped to create.

I was halfway out of my shell when I met you. Yours was a lot bigger than mine, but still, you had trouble getting out of it. Though I may have yanked you out a bit, I retreated back into my own shell in the process. Maybe two gigantic personalities can’t constructively coexist. Maybe they needed to stabilize first.

We were in the middle of the woods when we started to become friends.

Naturally, everything dies.

You filled me with insecurity and fear. You filled me with flames and power. You made me exist on alternate planes. I couldn’t escape you if I tried.

You were the sun that I danced around. If only our orbit slowed down in the summer. The winter was just as beautiful but cold and gloomy. I learned to shed layers; I learned to bundle up. I made myself a native to your climate.

I think you and I were a perfect trade. I got to be made a fool, by myself and by you; you got to experience the warmth of love. Both were necessary experiences. We are stronger, wiser, softer, than ever. Musical notes and viewpoints were swapped back and forth. We learned so much. We were good teachers.

Losing you was a test for me. I didn’t want to study, so I had to retake it many times before I passed. I wanted to cling to what was no more, what never was. I am below-grade-level in moving on.

Once the storm died down, I could see more clearly. I could breathe a sigh of relief. The world looks greener and more inviting. I mixed colors and drew outside of the lines. I laughed, I snorted, I got drunk, I cried, I doubted, I hoped, I dreamt, I died. You expanded my capacity for all spectrums of life. You made me as large as the universe.