I Am Letting Go Of Fear And Making Room For Love

They say true love lasts forever, but they say heartbreak fades away.

It’s a contradictory statement. A myth we must debunk.

Is there a difference in the types of love? Let us not think about the actions we use to display our love, but the underlying feeling of that love. That feeling that makes you so scared you shake. The feeling that makes you smile until you cry. The feeling that makes your heart skip a beat. The feeling that makes butterflies in your stomach, that keeps you up at night when you know you’ll be reunited with them in the morning.

Is there a difference in the way you love your child versus the way you love your parents versus your first love or your last?

You share with them memories and moments of your life. Your deepest darkest secrets. You trust them, and they trust you. They share their lives with you too. You trust their words. You understand the words unspoken when you look into their eyes. You make each other laugh. That laughter feels better than anything in the world.

Does it matter if your blood comes from them or theirs from you? Or just that your hearts sync when you hold each other close? Does it matter that you see a little bit of them when you look at yourself in the mirror? Or that you only see your reflection when you gaze into their eyes?

In the end, when they leave you, do you not reminisce the same? Do you not cry into your pillow? Do you not judge the entire world just a little differently? Do you not hang on to the words they said when you last spoke? Do you not remember your actions, both good and bad? Do you not love them just a little deeper, and regret just a little harder?

I think love is love. I think It’s universal. I think we all feel it. We all know it. We can all share it. But deep down, aren’t we all scared of it? And perhaps this fear is because we know that nothing breaks your heart more than love once lost. And the more we put ourselves out there and open our hearts to feel love, the more at risk we are of becoming brokenhearted.

They say fear is an acronym for “False Evidence Appearing Real.” But sometimes fear is real evidence recurring. And sometimes that fear keeps us stuck. And when we’re stuck it’s not that we don’t have love to give, It’s that we’re afraid to share it. We’re afraid to receive it. People tell us we’re beautiful and we say, “Aw, shucks.” We blush and bow our heads When people thank us, we say, “It was no big deal.” When people tell us we’re heroes, we disagree and say we would do what anyone would do. We’re humble, but we’re afraid.

They say that before we love others, we must love ourselves. People spend years of their life alone because they don’t ever figure out how to love themselves quite enough. They never give themselves butterflies. They can’t gaze into their own eyes and see the future. But what if it’s more simple than that? What if to love ourselves we simply have to learn to be loved? What if each time we push someone away, we’re only giving into our fear and hurting ourselves more? What if by denying kind compliments from strangers, we’re just reminding ourselves that we’re not good enough? And that we’ll never be loved enough?

There’s a whole lot of things I don’t know. But I know I’ve loved. And I know I’ve been loved. And I know I’ve made an effort to push away love. It’s something I yearn for and something I don’t think I deserve. But when asked this question, I’ll deny it again. I’ll say, “It’s not that It’s just…”

And it’ll always be something.

“I’m not ready.”

“There’s still more I need to work on.”

“They weren’t the right person for me.”

I guess to fully love ourselves, we must first understand that we haven’t been. Because once we acknowledge it, we can actively change it. Tonight, I’m laying myself down to bed. I’m sobbing, because I finally understand why they say love is pain. Because I’m finally ready to face my fear. I’m ready to accept the love the world wants to give me.

Today, for the first time since love broke my heart, I realize that I am worthy.