How To Not First Date


Dating for me is not a thing. At all. I don’t have the effort to date and I certainly don’t have the closet to date. I can count the amount of failed dates (all dates) I’ve had on both hands, which I blame on the fact that I am completely oblivious to anything in this world, so I feel like drunk hook ups are good enough, so why date right? But I mean when you find someone worth dating (apparently it’s a thing, people need significant others I guess), you don’t do certain things leading up to, and during said date. Just please don’t do them.

1. Don’t go drinking before the date.

2. If you do drink, don’t drink so much that you vomit 5 minutes before they picks you up at the bar.

3. Don’t think smoking will make the taste or aroma of puke go away.

4. Don’t get them to pick you up at the bar, because they will know someone from that bar, and not want to go out.

5. Don’t be drunk on a first date because there is a 99% chance they will not call you back, unless they’re into that kind of thing. Then there is probably something very wrong with them.

6. Don’t wear rubber boots with no socks, because your shoes will fart every step you take, and it’ll make things really weird.

7. Don’t go to a muddy area, for every reason.

8. Don’t tell someone you’ve quit smoking and then reek of smoke when you get into his or her or her car. “No I was just keeping my friend company”, doesn’t work.

9. Don’t watch the football game on the TV at the restaurant you’re at saying shit like “Oh my friend is so jealous he cant watch the game right now, brb need to live text it to him”.

10. Don’t insult their favorite band when they play it in the car. Pretend to be a huge douche who has no taste in music whatsoever, just for those moments.

11. Don’t go to an exhibit at a museum where its easy for you to walk away fast from them, because they will most likely run after you calling your name, confused as to why you’re avoiding him.

12. Don’t wear the same shirt you’ve been wearing for the past 3 days and pants you’ve worn to work the entire week. Unless their taste in people is “homeless”, then go for it.

13. Don’t bring up your ex at all.

14. If by some dumb reason you bring it up, don’t ask them why they broke up after a 4-year relationship.

15. Don’t say you’re not ready for a 4-year relationship.

16. Don’t talk about how many people you’ve had sex with, because if their number is higher than yours, there’s a good chance that you’ll start making up stories about the 30 people you’ve slept with to trump theirs, just to get some kind of win out if it.

17. Don’t talk about that time you were really depressed and downed a whole bottle of pills and almost died.

18. Don’t text for 4 hours saying shit like oh my friend is going through a really bad breakup when we all know you’re trying to beat level 76 of “Candy Crush”

19. Don’t whip out you’re deodorant and say “do you mind?” unless you’re trying to get rid of them.

20. Don’t talk about how you’re living on a budget of 100 dollars this month because you bought too many things at “Target”, you’re never going to wear.

21. Do not ever say any jokes about herpes.

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image – Bhumika Bhatia