It’s 1:40 am and you’re trying to wipe tears of your face from reading old text messages from when you first met. You peek to see if he’s online because you want to send that long message you saved in your drafts to let him know you miss him. Your heart is aching from flashing memories of all the favorite dates you had. This is it. This is when reality hits you the most. You’re in denial but you know you have to swallow the truth anyway.
This is when you need to stop.
Get up. Walk to the bathroom and dunk your face into water. At this moment, you just washed not only the sorrows from your eyes but the heartache you felt after months of being mistreated. Where did he go? Where was he when you went to bed crying from a broken heart? Realization flows into your body like a streaming river of regret. All those nights of you feeling like a ticking bomb waiting to explode because you overthink on the “what ifs” and “whys”. You are done picking up pieces of your heart that he shattered every single time you make a mistake.
It’s time to set yourself free. It’s time to let go.
You knew he was not worth it. You knew you were unhappy for the longest time you could remember. You stayed and held on because you thought that he would change. He promised you forever. But forever is now a distant memory. You can’t lie to yourself anymore and no level of convincing is enough for you to go back to the way you were when you were in love. Place your hand over your heart and know that you can’t do this anymore. This is too much. Pain has caused you to be somebody you’re not. Lies broke your trust and made you think everybody is the same. He brought the bad out of you like a dark angel coming out a long-kept closet. This isn’t you. This isn’t him. And this is definitely not us.
If only he could understand how you felt.
How you felt when you found out about his lies. How you felt when he left you hanging in between explanations. How you felt when he told you that you’re not good enough for him. You know you didn’t deserve that but you believed you do because you love him to believe his words over your own. When do you know when it’s time to let go?
It’s not when he stops trying. It’s when trying no longer works.
You could only hold on to something painful for so long till you lose strength and courage to let go. Why hold on to something that hurts you. Relationships are not supposed to be toxic. People say get rid of toxic because it’s bad for you.
It’s time to realize that the toxic is a person. It needs to go. It needs to leave your system before it corrodes you and leave more damage than you could recover back. It will hurt. If it didn’t then it wasn’t real. It’s never easy to let go of the person you love but it’s more impossible to stay.