Go through your entire life feeling a strong desire to tell friends and strangers your every move. Be fourteen in 2002 eating an ice cream sundae and think to yourself, “I wish there was a space where I could tell everyone I know that I’m eating an ice cream sundae right now. If only such a thing existed!” Realize that it does and go apeshit.
OR know of Twitter’s existence and be completely opposed to it. “Um, are you telling me that I’m supposed to tweet things to followers like, “Going to lunch with my girlfriends! Beautiful day!” I don’t think so.” Find yourself becoming enthralled with Lindsay Lohan’s and Courtney Love’s Twitters though and decide to join. Your first tweet: “This is dumb.” A few days later, you’ll be tweeting, “Going to lunch with @DIVADIVA. Missed that bitch. Nice day out too. #generictweet.” Trust.
Slowly learn the ins and out of Twitter. Discover that if someone is following 400 people and only has 90 followers, it means that they’re terrifying loser nobodies living in Iowa. Following them would be tweet suicide. In fact, don’t even follow members of your own family. They probably only have something like ten followers and make tweets like “@@mybeautifulson miss u honey!!! how do i use this thing?” or “used great coupons at Target today!” Explain to your mom, “I know you carried me in your womb for nine months but I’m trying to really be something on Twitter. Please understand that.”
Follow people who you like and dislike. An articulate funny Twitter can be just as good as someone’s incoherent ramblings, especially if that person is a celebrity who is paid millions of dollars to exist and can’t even use “their” and “there” correctly. Realize that Twitter can definitely kill your idols. With no publicist or middle man, you get your celebs 100% uncensored which, more often than not, isn’t a very good thing.
Marvel at the opportunities Twitter can present. A person can be a nobody, create a funny Twitter account, and become a somebody. Twitter isn’t like high school. Instead of the “beautiful people” being popular, comedians like Michael Ian Black, Sarah Silverman, and Alec Sulkin (The Sulk} reign supreme. Whoever can pack the funniest observation into 140 words is the winner of Twitter. It’s a welcome reprieve from the usual rules. Twitter = brain over brawn.
Stumble upon the dark side of Twitter. Follow Fridays, paid advertisements, incessant RTing: These are the kinds of behaviors you would like to avoid. If you’re in a fight with your friend, don’t tweet at them something like “Gee, @CheLsEasTarr is really bumming me out lately..” because it makes you look a.] crazy and b.] like a bad tweeter! As I’ve taught you all before with Facebook, having a good Twitter account means being simultaneously vague and hilarious. Talk about your hangovers if you want but only in a cutesy twee fashion! Don’t Twitpic a bottomless mimosa at brunch and tweet, “Gettin’ Wild With Mi Gurlz… Me loves a good SUNDAY FUNDAY!” Instead, Twitpic it and say something like, “Mimosa sunday brunch darkness. bye sunday it was nice knowing you briefly. bye….” Actually, that might be a little weird. Don’t tweet that. Look, the key is to not look like your Twitter is having a seizure. Be picky about what you RT, delete earlier tweets if you don’t like them, make it look clean, clear, and under control!
Also, don’t really talk about Twitter IRL unless you have a book deal or something. It makes it less fun. It’s sort of like Fight Club. Except with neurotic New Yorkers, sorority girls, and Kim Kardashian.