How To Get Over Uncertainty In Your Relationship Without Pulling Away


There’s nothing more nerve-racking and stressful than having uncertainty in your relationship. When you’re uncertain of your partner, it can feel like a roller coaster of emotions and doubts, but it doesn’t have to last.

Like most of the blocks we face in our life and relationships, uncertainty comes from fear — the fear of loss and heartbreak, the fear of losing our independence and, most common of all, the fear of the unknown.

We often fuel that uncertainty by trying to protect ourselves from that fear by pulling away, looking for reasons to justify it and maybe even cutting our losses all together and breaking up with someone before they hurt us.

The outcome is a pattern of behavior that’s often seen in our past relationships. Have you always been the one to walk away first when things got hard or uncertain? Do your cons always outweigh the pros? Do you get uncomfortable when the situation is unfamiliar to you or pushes you up against your boundaries of love?

If you’re facing uncertainty in your relationship, but don’t want to relive those old behaviors, here’s what you should do instead.

Start by asking yourself, How do I feel about this person?

  • Am I the right person for him/her?
  • Do I care for him/her?
  • Do I want to make him/her happy?
  • Does is make me happy to see him/her smile?
  • Do I miss him/her when we’re apart?

If you’ve established that you care for this person, let’s move on. Let’s identify the areas in your relationship where there’s uncertainty or fear. Is it a move to a new city? Is it some sociological or religious difference? Or is it just the fear of the unknown?

Write out the core issue and how you feel about it. Writing will allow you to look at your feelings in a logical way later in the exercise. Ask yourself these questions:

  • Why is this an issue?
  • Are my thoughts or doubts about the issue coming from fear or from past experiences?
  • Can I live with this issue if it were never resolved?
  • Is my uncertainty coming from a place of comparing and judging to others around me or to my past?
  • Can I solve issue that I’ve communicated properly to my partner?

Walk away from your notes and come back to them a few hours later to look at them objectively. Are you approaching the issue from the perspective of fear?

If so, consider what you have to lose by rewarding fear:

  • Will you get another chance at this type of love?
  • Are you happy with things as they are now, or have been in the past?
  • Will you choose unhappiness over uncertainty?
  • Will you choose fear over your relationship?

Consider what you have to GAIN by fighting fear:

No matter what happens, you can adapt to new challenges and experiences in your life surprisingly quickly.

Even if your relationship doesn’t unfold how you want it to, at the very least you will experience growth and learn valuable lessons along the way.

If you’ve determined that your issue is not being approached through fear and that you couldn’t live with it if it remained the same, it’s time to have a serious conversation with your partner. Just know that your willingness and ability to risk the comfort of the familiar in order to find your true happiness is the path to living a remarkable life.

Choose love, not fear.

This post originally appeared at YourTango.