How To Be A Happy Gay Jew In New York City


1. Tell people you realized you were gay when [obscure 90s reference] happened.

2. Stop rooting for the gay kings in Game of Thrones, it’s not gonna happen.

3. Get over True Blood it’ll never be good again I’m sorry but it’s true.

4. But vampires are still sexy and it’s OK!

5. It’s also OK to stop in the middle of the street, turn around as if somebody’s said your name, and open your mouth slightly, in order to attract the attention of the general public.

6. Remember those nauseating few seconds right before you came out for the first time and smile because #itgetsbetter.

7. Hashtags are for basic bitches and NYU’s HashtagNYU Twitter account.

8. I’m pretty sure one of the founders of Grindr is Jewish but I’m not totally sure?

9. Your mother is trying to make you fat. And she loves you.

10. Sell your Uniqlo heat tech tights on Craigslist.

11. Call your parents/guardians at least every couple of weeks, even if no one’s sure the other person cares, you both do, so get over it and talk to your family, it can be a good thing.

12. Treat the city like you would a book; don’t just look at it, read it and study it and constantly engage, or you’ll find yourself lost and lonely in an ocean of dirt.

13. Do a Pesach Dinner for your friends and show them how cool Pesach is cuz there’s wine!

14. Poppers.

15. Hedwig and the Angry Inch.

16. Don’t be ashamed of having realized your sexual preference while watching a Disney Channel Original Movie.

17. Consider marriage.

18. Consider the brownie points you’ll get for parenting a Jewish Malaysian Orphan with Gay Parents.

19. When people ask you why you talk about being gay all the time, tell them it’s because they’re still asking that question.

20. When people ask you why you talk about being Jewish all the time, apologize for bragging so much.

21. You can only be arrogant if you’re funny.

22. Don’t hate yourself more than anybody else hates Lena Dunham.

23. Gay isn’t an excuse to act ignorant about the opposite sex.

24. Slipping your bad OKCupid date a melatonin isn’t ok, even if you’re doing it so they get tired and leave but if you’re using melatonin as a rape drug, you need to go to the police department and tell them you’re trying to rape people with melatonin so you get what you deserve you pathetic fuck.

25. Rape jokes are almost always uncomfortable and rarely pay off.

26. Sometimes don’t make sense and blame it on your “culturally-intersective identity complex.”

27. Coming out of the closet isn’t about telling people that you’re gay, it’s about letting them know.

28. Question the socio-cultural implications of the word “seems.”

29. Listen to a Coldplay song seriously without laughing.

30. Celebrate the day Emoji released gay avatars every year on October 15. I recommend sending your favorite same-sex emoji partners to everybody in the “Favorites” section of your phone.

31. Stop saying “Fag Hag.” Use “Fairy Tail” instead.

32. Stop listening to the Garden State soundtrack while staring out a window, even if it’s raining and you’re feeling “introverted right now.”

33. Imagine a life in which you are straight and Christian and didn’t read internet things.

34. Don’t settle.

35. Visit Central Synagogue at least once, if not weekly/monthly, it’s an awesome experience. (Trust the guy who spent his high holidays as a kid playing thumb wars with himself.)

36. When somebody asks, “Who are you?” be sure to describe yourself with every word but “Gay” or “Jewish” because you’re more complicated and unique than two hot-buttons — you have a dog or an iPad mini or an unabashed passion for Grand Theft Auto: Vice City.

37. But don’t forget to wear those buttons like badges and, like the intellectual imp Tyrion Lannister once said, “Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness.”

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