Forget Cities, We Need To Gentrify School Busses


Visit any city in America and you’ll find the same thing: things are getting nicer. Everything except school buses, of course. Those still look like they did during World War II.

Here’s what I suggest we do to make school buses more 21st century-friendly.

1. Write some new tunes

Can’t someone write a new ditty to get us excited about school buses again? “The Wheels On The Bus” just isn’t cutting it anymore. Sorry Tyga and Chumbawumba, the era of hit songs with repetitive lyrics has passed.

If you didn’t know — and you didn’t — “The Wheels On The Bus” was written by a woman from Boston. Clearly she was full of shit or never drove in Boston. The song should actually go, “The wheels on the bus go… “BEEEP — BEEP — BEEP. MOVE IT, ASSHOLE!”

2. Make basic safety upgrades

Adding seatbelts is the most obvious upgrade. Can anyone explain why school buses, which you could also call “metal canisters full of the next generation,” don’t have seatbelts?

Author’s note: As a matter of fact, I can. In second grade I asked my principal why. His reply? “Seat belts are hard to take off for some kids. Sometimes, kids take them off so slowly they miss their bus stops,” he said, probably on one knee.

That answer didn’t make sense then and still doesn’t now. Wearing seatbelts in cars but not buses is the kid-equivalent of having safe sex with your girlfriend then going raw dog at an orgy.

And besides, what better way to teach that slow kid to pick up the pace? A night in a school bus warehouse parking lot would probably be good for him.

3. End the upholstery monopoly

Any company interested in brand longevity should study the school bus industry. Especially the guys making the seat upholstery. What could that sales pitch possibly look like?

Upholstery Salesman: “You’re going to love our new line of 2019 upholstery.”

School Districts: “Oh? Are they different from last year’s?”

Upholstery Salesman: “Mm, not really. They’re made of that thin leather you love, though.

School Districts: “The one with the texture of an old man’s sack?”

Upholstery Salesman: “Indeed!”

School District: “Excellent! Does this year’s line come in any new colors?”

Salesman: “Nope. Still just army green and shit brown.”

School Districts: “I’ve heard enough. We’ll take 6,000.”

To gentrify school buses, we must end the upholstery monopoly. Still, you’ve got to give the guys making the seats props. They must have more blackmail on Big School Bus than Haliburton did on Dick Cheney.