Fake Live Blog: Three Men And A Baby


[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ohBNZZKmtnw&w=420&h=315]

I was trying to type up an essay I wrote, and felt the doubt and the fear and mostly, deeply depressed. I put a frozen lasagna in the oven, and started watching Three Men and a Baby, the 1987 movie starring Tom Selleck, Ted Danson, and Steve Guttenberg that was on NBC Family. The movie is directed by Leonard Nimoy, aka Mr. Spock.

My mom used to say Tom Selleck was a hunk when I was a kid in the 80s when we watched Magnum P.I. While sexy, he seems old. They’re all playing bachelors in NYC, who share an apartment and the Steve Guttenberg character is a painter, more nice guy, who paints the apartment in a really Yuppie 1987 art way, that could be described as Pier One Imports muted fuchsia faux future shit. Going to google Tom Selleck now. He was 41 or 42 at the time of filming this.

Can you feel the desperation?

There is a baby at the door, and now the three bachelors have to look after the baby. A commercial director guy had the baby delivered because Ted Danson is shooting a commercial.

When Tom Selleck was on Friends in the 90s he seemed old then too. I was a teenager. My fiancé is in bed looking at her phone in the other room.

Can you live-blog into a word document?

I’m wearing running shoes because I was given 3 sets of running shoes from a coworker who thrift stores and the shoes didn’t fit him. I had both of my shoes, work and leisure, get holes in the bottom last spring, and so got new work shoes, but have been wearing these running shoes, instead of skate shoes, and feel old.

A commercial is on and the room is darkening, and my mind is becoming less dark the more I type.

I’m considering drinking, but… still an option. Long commercial. Unless you are selling a unit of art, or are paid a fee for a service that will generate revenue through advertising, is really how people make money in art. Unit sales of art or art-related goods, and advertising. People paying to promote a product using a cultural thing to sell a cultural thing.

The baby is crying and needs her diaper changed. Tom Selleck seems cranky and Steve Guttenberg seems like a passive-aggressive pushover, which I foresee him over coming, maybe. They’re changing the diaper. How was this movie so popular? I mean, it seems good. The baby is cute. The diaper fell off and we saw her baby butt and she peed on Tom Selleck.

Oh good, 80s movie soundtrack; the late 80s got real banal and just ridiculous at points.

Rock paper scissors to go get the baby. Ted Danson is still gone. This movie is slowly killing me.

This movie was the highest grossing box office of the year! 168 million, the first film to break 100 million domestically. I remember watching it on VHS and cable, and liking it. Tom Selleck, Ted Danson and Steve Guttenberg were so well entrenched in the culture of the time with Cheers and Magnum P.I. and Steve Guttenberg in so many 80s movies.

It’s based on a French film, typical.

Tom Selleck is a construction boss, or something, building owner, and Steve Guttenberg is a cartoonist and makes a living doing that, I guess.

In all 80s movies with New York City there is a reference to a ballet dancer or classical musician. I can only cite two, Ghostbusters and this one, but… should I make a drink?

There is a character named Rebecca. She won’t help Tom Selleck with the baby. This is his girlfriend. They have an open-relationship and her date is with her, a Hungarian musician.

Tom Selleck is manly, but sensitive, but also cranky. Ted Danson is still gone.

I’m stopping now.

Oh, there’s coke and gangsters and a misunderstanding about the baby, as in the baby is one of the bachelors and not the commercial director who, obviously does coke and has sketchy connections per movie cliché.

And Tom Selleck is an architect, damn it. He’s really the star. Ted Danson’s filming Cheers right then or something. I’m going to stop live-blogging into my word document in a computer not connected to the internet.

That one white tweaker who was Jessie’s friend in Breaking Bad was just in a phone commercial.

Oh my god! It’s heroin smuggling. A detective is at the apartment now. Wikipedia says Tom Selleck had to chose between Magnum P.I. and playing Indiana Jones.

Ted Danson just called, halfway through the movie. He’s making a movie somewhere. They still have drugs and the baby. This movie is pretty good, actually.

If you fake live-blog something I guess you need times, huh? 7:54 pm, March 26, 2014

I need some Jimmy Chen photoshop skills. Oh, there’s Collin, that comic, what’s his name? Google says… nevermind.

The apartment is ramshackled and the baby is gone, which they named Mary. This apartment is huge! The baby is still there!!! Yay! “Thank God.” Tom Selleck just said. He also modeled and attended USC.

It’s 8:35 now. I just ate and they caught the heroin smugglers. It’s happy montage time, but there’s the baby conclusion. I think a Foreigner song is playing. “She’ll always be daddy’s girl,” is the chorus.

Ted Danson dated Whoopi Goldberg. Whoopi Goldberg reminds me of my mom.

Is this the mom, Nancy Travis? Yes, she has an English accent. I’m assuming that somehow she and the baby are going to move into the apartment. Idk.

My fiancé went back to the bedroom, and she called the dog.

The baby and Nancy Travis are about to leave in a cab. Sad music and tender heart strings. They’re heart broken. Babies are wonderful.

They’re coming back. They have to! The bachelor’s are sad in their apartment with some 60’s music playing. They went to the airport and she wasn’t there. And when they came back to their apartment—she was there, Nancy Travis and the baby.

It’s so heartwarming!!!