Our relationship was like the kind of job you dreamed about since you were little but never really believed you could get. Our relationship was like the kind of movie you heard so many good reviews about but you knew the ending could possibly break your heart. Our relationship was toxic and unhealthy at times but profound and breathtaking all the time. He was calm and I was passionate. I was fearful and he was carefree. He was dependable and I was inconsistent.
There was a moment in time where we argued about the little things and we broke up over the big things. Growing up, you’re told love should always be easy. It should be seamless and it should be simple. Our love for each other was always simple, but my own love for myself never really was. It’s confusing, isn’t it? We are all wired to crave love. We are wired to connect. We are wired to long for appreciation. But then we get it and it’s as if we forget our wants and our needs and allow fear and doubt to creep in like an unwanted tooth ache that doesn’t seem to go away.
For me, it was the first time in my life where I truly felt safe and invincible. We feel present and we feel grateful. We’re in the middle of a downpour and the rain is just background noise because we’re consumed in love. We’re consumed in a feeling. We’re consumed in desire. We ride the wave and we feel high in the madness, and then one day everything stops. Reality comes knocking on our door and our demons, triggers, and insecurities answer with open arms. The questions come pouring in like a flash flood. “Do I deserve this?” “Is it too good to be true?” “Doesn’t everything beautiful always come to an end?”
See, the thing is, I always knew I had the potential to be special, but he helped me finally see it. I always knew I was worthy of all my dreams, but he helped me finally believe it. I’m not entirely sure when it exactly happens, but sometimes as humans, we simply forget our worth. We simply forget that we deserve to be loved unconditionally.
He’ll see your innocence instead of your pain when you look him in the eyes and ask him, “Why exactly do you love me?” You’ll be in the middle of a random breakdown and he’ll sit beside you and rub your forehead until you calm down. In one of your darkest moments, you’ll look at him, pleading, “Please tell me everything is going to be okay.” He’ll look at you and won’t be able to help but smile, because even in your doubtful and chaotic moments, he adores you.
With time, you’ll continue to sabotage your love, because at least this time you won’t be blindsided when your heart gets broken like all the other times in your life.
He’ll continue to prove to you time and time again that he loves you for you. That your depressive and anxious episodes aren’t who you are but just a part of who you are. He’ll remind you that true love is loving the good and loving the bad and that it’s his job to be there when life gets dark. You will always be the one to leave, and you’ll be heartbroken but relieved because you no longer have to wonder when the day he stops loving you will be.
Then one day, the moment you feel that you have lost him and his love forever, something shifts because you have finally understood that he cannot save you. A void inside of you cannot be fixed or mended even by the greatest of loves. You’ll finally understand that even the right person cannot free you from your fears and insecurities. He won’t heal you, but what he will do is give you a purpose to heal and to love yourself. By loving you so much, you will do whatever it takes to treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated.
Because of him, I put in the work. Because of him, I don’t look back on a beautiful love and think, “I wonder what could have happened.” Because of him, I learned the remarkable importance of loving myself to my very core.