We all go through life doing the best we can for the most part. We do what we can to ensure the best for our family, our career, and our friends. Of course, we don’t always achieve the best, and maybe we make half-hearted efforts at times, but overall, we make the effort to end up on the good side of center. We think we have control over circumstances, our family, our career, and at the very least, our own selves, but I think the control or blame lies elsewhere.
About a month ago, I lost my job, and it’s God’s fault. Over the past few decades of my adult life, there is only one other time I lost my job, and that was His fault too. I’m in a house that is underwater, debt that is overwhelming, I have acquaintances that are annoying at times, car problems, challenges with my spouse, my kids, even myself. All of this is God’s fault.
Things in my life are not exactly how I would want them, and God is to blame. I know of people claiming to love God who have lost their homes. Some people have lost spouses, children, jobs, friends, etc., and God is responsible.
Of course, this is a double-edged sword. If God is to blame for the bad stuff, isn’t He also to blame for the good stuff? I’ve always been extremely anxious about my abilities and extremely insecure, always thinking that I was going to be fired on my job because someone else was better or because I was just not good enough. For over two decades, I worried and fretted about my work life. As the “sole provider,” I was concerned that if I didn’t make it, my family wouldn’t make it.
I’ve been without an income for over a month now, and I couldn’t be happier. I blame God. You see, over the decades, all my worries brought in exactly ZERO income. Over the past month, my lack of anxiety, or I’ll call it trust, has brought in exactly ZERO income. The difference seems like a wash, but it is actually vast.
I wouldn’t trade my situation today for two jobs that come with the worry, pressure, and stress of my past job. My family likes me better these days, and my friends notice the difference. I’m more aware of those around me and I’m enjoying life more. All these things are God’s fault as well.
About 20 months ago, I got a job. It paid well, and had a reputation of being stressful, but I was sure I could handle it. I was wrong. I learned that no job is worth sacrificing time with your family and friends or losing touch with yourself. Some people thrive in stressful jobs. I do not. The cost is too high.
But I am certain now that this job was a blessing ordained by God. The stress of the job was keeping me up at night and making me extremely distant from my family when I actually had time to be around them. My wife said that I needed to get counseling to help me manage my stress. I did get a counselor, and that has been life-changing. I blame God.
During the past year of counseling, I have learned how to better manage my stress, but more importantly, I am learning what peace, comfort, grace, and love are. I’m learning mindfulness and to appreciate being present and not always worrying about what may happen or what has happened. This is a process, and I have agreed to trust the process. At times I want to question everything and run away, but I’m always encouraged to “trust the process.” At times I doubt my worth, and I doubt my counselor (who I’m convinced is the absolute gold standard of counselors). I want to run away, I feel extreme shame for minor infractions, I still slip into worry, and feel like I’m not making it. But I’m constantly reassured by my counselor that “it’s okay.”
It’s okay to not always be perfect. It’s okay to feel scared or down. It’s okay to show emotion. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay. I never heard that growing up, and now it’s like cool water after laboring in the hot sun for days. It brings tears to my eyes today just writing this. I blame God.
I blame God for bringing me a wife who loves me, kids that are honest and good, friends that love me even when I’m being stupid, and a counselor who shows me what grace, love, empathy and compassion really mean.
When I look at my life — the bad things, the good things, the mundane things, the exciting things — all have been either allowed or ordained by God. All those things and people God has allowed in my life are working together for good. My circumstances are what they are, but I need to remember that God is good, and He’s working for my good, and my perspective regarding my circumstances may be too myopic.
I want my circumstances to be easy. I want millions of dollars. I want happiness and peace and a long life. But maybe only some or maybe none of these things will come to pass. Regardless, I blame God, and I’m grateful for that. I’m grateful that He is in charge and not me. He is good, and my perspective is too limited and my desires too temporal. As CS Lewis said, “I want God, not my idea of God.”
I blame God for the circumstances bad or good in my life, because He is good and I am confident in His ability to use these circumstances to complete the work He began in me until the day He returns.