I know what you’re thinking. You’re probably blaming yourself for being so stupid. I know you wonder why you didn’t see the signs, or worse, you deliberately ignored them. People warned you, begged you to leave him, but you didn’t listen. Now you beat yourself up for allowing yourself to settle for less than you deserve. However, apart from the positive illusions we tend to create and our idealization of the one we love, he probably also tried to convince you that you did.
He showered you with countless apologies after nights of neglect and abandonment, maybe even abuse. He said no more, never again, this is the last time. He wrapped you in his arms and didn’t let go, and you came undone right then and there. He asked for one last chance, that wasn’t him that hurt you, that was someone else. He promised you he’ll be better, that he doesn’t want to lose you, and that he’ll prove it to you if you just give him time.
So you let him in again. You let your guard down and you trusted him and the love he made you feel in that moment. You treasured his promises and hoped he’d keep them because at the end of the day, you still love him. You told yourself that no one is perfect, that people make mistakes, and people also have the capacity to change. You just needed to have a little more faith in him. You just needed to stop focusing on the bad and look forward to the good that is to come. After all, he promised.
He did everything right for a while, and you even boldly told your friends that they didn’t have to worry about you any longer. Then slowly, he started slipping back to old habits. He decided to walk out on you again. He left you in tears, but that never stopped him. He blamed it on you again. He told you that you brought it upon on yourself, making a tiny problem bigger than it actually is and you were convinced.
He convinced you that you were the problem. You were sensitive, you were emotional, you were demanding. He convinced you that needed to meet him halfway, so that kept you going. You worked on your so-called shortcomings till you realized he still wasn’t doing his part. He still hung out with people who blatantly disrespected you. He’d choose them over you at times, even. He still told you that you added to his problems, that you make things worse for him, and he used that as an excuse to walk all over your feelings.
But you convinced yourself that you were strong. Challenges are part of any relationship, right? So you soldier on, because you told yourself that unconditional love knows no boundaries. That’s why he loves you. You’re rational and objective, you don’t let your emotions get the best of you, and for a time, you were proud.
Later on, he told you to just live with it. You chose to love him in spite of seeing his demons, right? He finally told you there’s nothing he can change at the moment, that you already know him. He left you with the heart wrenching decision to either accept him or walk out. To make matters worse, at this point, he told you that you do deserve better. But instead of doing what’s right for you, a part of you felt bad for him. You wanted to prove to him that he deserved the love he was being given.
Still, it was too late. He had already decided that it’s easier to let you go than to push himself to be better. He decided that he’s not ready to be in a relationship, because relationships take work and he’s selfish and unwilling. Finally, he said something right by telling you that you’re better off with someone else.
You are. Although you made some bad decisions, ultimately, you just decided to love and you forgot to love yourself. This time, however, I hope you finally learn to be kinder to yourself. It wasn’t your fault, but you won’t make the same mistakes again. Learn from the experience, and move forward. Someday, you will have the strength to make better choices and choose someone who is more than what you deserve.