Diatribe Against Tacos


Shown above is a standard taco—not the pre-curved ones from Taco Bell, but an authentic taco, usually made by actual Mexicans, especially in California and maybe Texas. This is not so much a “diatribe against tacos,” as the title of this article has rather glibly implied, but a diatribe against a kind of evasive vagueness coming from the people of Mexico about the proper way to eat one. So far, we only have 3 options; none of them are optimal.

Option 1: Just fucking eat it

As you can see, the surface area and density of the “filler” (i.e. Mexican food’s generic constituents: meat, beans, salsa, guacamole, sour cream, lettuce, and cheese) are so excessive that one cannot come close to securely wrapping it like the burrito, a well-rounded rational object. To call a taco an “informal loose burrito” seems reasonable, however absurd. I have seen people just fucking trying to eat the taco by cupping it, still flapped open, and they always get shit (i.e. the “filler”) all over their faces, straining or even injuring their neck and mouth muscles. The people who just fucking try to eat tacos are usually recent college graduates, or recent widows, as they both lack structure in life. This option seems insane.

Option 2: Somehow create 2 tacos

My personal choice, I will take the bottom layer (Tortilla 2) and move it to the side—which presents its own set of problems of needing an extra plate, or table surface. Then, carefully, I will reallocate ~50% of the “filler” onto the orphaned tortilla, forming a second-generation somewhat inferior new taco. The problem with this is it’s impossible to preserve the ratio of the filler’s constituents, and one ends up with too much sour cream and not enough beans (just an example—there’s an endless combination of how fucked up things can get). Also, the main layer (Tortilla 1) is by now so saturated with juice that it’s structural integrity is compromised. This taco will often “fall apart.” People who somehow create 2 tacos often have too much time on their hands, not enough “real problems,” and need to get laid more. This is the way to go, in my opinion.

Option 3: Use a fork

Interesting how our taco situation has invoked gender roles and/or prejudices. For example, it is perfectly fine for a female (perhaps a middle-aged English woman) to mitigate the aforementioned fuck’dness of option 1 and 2 by simply using a fork; but if a man does it, he will look like an asshole. Using a fork to eat a taco essentially turns the tortillas (1 and 2) into an edible plate, on which an “open Mexican salad” rests. Given the low ratio of shredded lettuce (if any), liberties are taken in using the term salad; it’s more like a “skinned burrito.” The Mexican people have taken liberties in creating this absurd food item, so liberties will be taken upon them. People who use a fork to eat a taco tend to be either anal retentive, English women going through menopause, or assholes.

I feel like this hasn’t entirely been a diatribe. I started this article very angry—I had just eaten a taco (via Option 2) and was viscerally distressed—and wanted to use the word “diatribe.” It seems I am not so angry now, just a little frustrated and confused about the proper way to eat a taco. In short, though, I do feel that Mexico, like their drug trade, needs more parameters. Thank you.

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