Diagnosing Depressives in Popular Film

Brad Hamilton (in Fast Times at Ridgemont High)

Overview: In his senior year, Brad Hamilton is both dumped and fired by his girlfriend and employer, respectively. The quits his subsequent job because he has to wear a pirate costume. One quickly sees where his life is going—down a path experienced by many men devastated by this cruel world. Next thing you know he’s in a bathroom jerking off to the fantasy of Phoebe Cates exiting the swimming pool, undoing her red bikini, exposing her luscious perfectly-shaped breasts, and open mouth kissing him, all under the tickling rain of an abstract nearby sprinkler, in that famous scene embedded in the psyches of all irl Brad Hamiltons, who have wanked to that mythological suburban summer scenario numerous times. Brad is sullen, his confidence diminishing rapidly, his dreams and hopes crushed. And where’s the Kleenex?

Diagnosis: Self-loathing, anxiety disorder, sexual addiction.

Suggested Medication: Ativan, alcoholism, denial.