Despite Everything, I Still Love You


I fell in love with you like a fool. Like the effervescent, naive fool that I am.

And I did not care to believe in the truth; that I wasn’t good enough to be loved just the same.

That’s the problem when you think with your heart.

She blindsides you and the truth is never seen coming. Maybe we weren’t worth the effort. Maybe I wasn’t worth the fight, but you were to me. At least my aching heart had the courage to fight.

I never wanted to see our quiet moments in the morning come to an end. The spring sun pouring in through the windows, illuminating your warm, honey lips.

You would kiss me gently and pull me in close. The perfect way to begin each day.

Or when our hearts laid underneath the pale moon at night, intertwined in bed sheets and for the first time in our lives, we understood what love felt like.

For all the joyous memories and laughter brought our way, it saddens me to think that maybe if I just loved a little less, and you a little more, we would still be together today.

But maybe our love was destined to end. Maybe you’re meant to be this stranger with all my secrets.

I remember constantly worrying that you’d end up leaving me and that everything we shared would become nothing but a distant memory. I remember the day all of that came true.

The sun never looked more dull.

Nights never felt longer.

I hated sleeping and waking up because both were living nightmares.
There I laid, in an empty bed with an empty heart, and the only person I wanted to talk to about this pain was you. I wanted you to hold me tight, look into my eyes, and tell me that everything was going to be alright. Only you. But that wasn’t going to happen, no matter how much I hoped.

I often wondered if you felt the same.

This is the text I never sent, the letter I never wrote, just the thoughts that have crossed my mind every day since we last spoke.

Despite everything, I still care for you.

And maybe that is a fault in me that is unchangeable, but I can’t help myself. You put me through hell and I called it true love. You think I would have learned by now, but I am still in love with you…like a damn fool.