Dear Depression


Dear depression,

At times I am not sure I want you to leave.
You have been a loyal companion.
But you see all the destruction you have caused in me.

My mind is now a city I do not know the roads of, and my thoughts are rumbled jigsaw puzzle where pieces do not fit together. My companion, at times you were the mirage of a friend. But, my dear, you are not. I am sorry. But you bring the worst in me. So you have to leave me.

My fantasies were made up of dreams people call nightmares. Even in them, I didn’t give myself happy endings.

For so long I believed I didn’t deserve a happy ending, so I deprived myself. Somewhere along the way, I enjoyed depriving myself, giving myself pain. Revisiting painful memories, constantly, until I lost all the good ones. It happened so slowly, I can’t pinpoint when. I used to be a person who was sure of her love for her own self.

I did not even realize how I slowly stopped loving myself. It was only when my therapist asked me to write at least 10 things I am proud of about myself, and blankness engulfed me. I was always quiet, and you seeped in, and made sadness my solace.

Dear depression, I want to be happy, so you see, you have to leave me. You have shown me pain and pain has shown me kindness, so thank you.

Some of the best parts of me are built on you.
But you are the part I can’t keep. I am sorry.