I am a cynical optimist.
Life has thrown me so many punches both above and below the belt over the years that it has toughened up my mind and heart, thus forming me into a cynic. I have a heart of gold with an almost endless variety of security defense systems intact to protect it from being stolen, damaged or broken. A few have gotten through my defenses over the years and attempted to tarnish and devalue that old heart of mine; luckily I was able to repair the damage done and lock it up even tighter. Sure, I still feel love for family, friends and my pets, but as for romantic love, I’m currently on a fast from it and all it entails.
Nicholas Sparks writes these amazing novels about love and romance – unfortunately they are fictional. Stories like those just do not exist anymore, not with the way the world is today. We are all programmed to want and seek out instant gratification; we have degraded to a world of narcissists in varying degrees.
I recently had a friend of mine post a very beautiful and heartfelt tribute on Facebook to his beloved on her birthday. His outpouring of love and emotion brought tears to my eyes; he is truly one in a million and their love story puts a Nicholas Sparks novel to shame. Their love for each other gave me a tiny glimmer of hope that true love really isn’t a fictional idea and that it is out there – it however wasn’t enough to restore my faith in love and relationships or pull me out of my cynicism.
I might be cynical about romantic love, but I am forever an optimist.
After many years of healing, grounding and centering myself, I have programmed my mind to be solidly positive no matter what situation I find myself in. Friends have often called me sickeningly optimistic and positive; I don’t mind, I would rather be known for being positive than being a depressed and angst ridden woman again. I enjoy being a positive influence and force in other’s lives.
Love always manages to squeeze its way in, one way or another. That love is not always romantic love though. If you really think about it, love is a positive force, so my cynicism would get consumed with, through and by love… although I tend to keep my security defenses in check regardless of the situations I find myself in.
The last romantic relationship I had was the closest I’ve ever had to exposing my heart fully and living within the confines of a normal relationship; I actually considered “settling down”. I was ready to cash in my adventurous nature and love of reckless abandon for a slice of normal everyday family life; I do believe this is one reason why it was destined to end for me.
Sooner or later I’m sure I would have grown unhappy and perhaps even resentful that I gave up my freedom and love of adventure to settle down and be “normal”.
Maybe it is my artistic temperament and nature that has set my attitude towards love and commitment askew and turned me cynical towards love. I’ve adopted and accepted unorthodox relationship models to replace romantic entanglements in my life these days.
Most of the artists and writers I admire had unconventional love lives, so why shouldn’t I?
I still enjoy the occasional romantic comedy and even a Nicholas Sparks movie every now and then, for locked away deep down inside of me is a hopeless romantic. I’m at the point in my life where I don’t have the time for the complications of romantic love – however I do remain open to it, should that illusive man cross my path and attempt to “woo” me.
I’m no longer one of those women that will settle for anything less than what I truly want, so my cynical attitude keeps my hopeless romantic side in check; it is getting easier to do as my cynicism grows.
I still dream of the day when I will meet a man that can chisel through my hard and bad ass exterior, resuscitate my wounded heart and prove to me that a love that mends, fills and grows broken hearts still exists; until that day arrives though, I am and will forever be the cynical optimist.