I’ve always known it wasn’t a healthy trait. I’ve always felt completely powerless to it, and I always gave in. I always let it win.
I let people in. I let myself believe, even for a moment, that things will be different this time, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have doubts.
I let people in because I want to believe that they are different. I want to see things through, and yet I never do.
I push people away because I can’t afford to be heartbroken, and still I always am.
I push people away because years of self-esteem issues have taught me to question people’s intentions.
Being told “you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me” and then watching them turn around and find a better thing can really mess with your self-worth. I know I’ve let it mess with mine, and I’ve let that destroy endless connections because I’m scared.
Scared of letting myself be happy because the fear of being hurt is greater.
I lead them on, I lead myself on, and then I build walls. I push people away because I don’t know what else to do.
I’m toxic in my own way. I’ve been so starved for affection that I don’t even know how to accept it anymore. Instead, I find a way to push the affection out of my life.
Maybe other people aren’t the problem anymore; maybe they’ve never been.
Maybe I’m the one who needs to change, grow, and learn how to break free of my own toxic habits.
Maybe I need to finally put my own happiness above my toxic urges.
Maybe then I’ll stop hurting the people I care about most.
Maybe then I can be the person who welcomes affection just as much as she radiates it.