But I Love Him


I cried in countless bottles of wine
in an effort to find an answer that would help me fix you
I broke the glasses to mimic the person you made me become
I buried the pieces in the yard
in order symbolize the mourning of the person I was before you

the broken glass didn’t phase me
the glass couldn’t cut as deep as you
it could never leave a scar like you

“but I love him”
I thought as you shattered me into pieces
and hid them all as I picked them all up
so I would always be missing a part when I was almost put back together so I would have to call you up and ask you where you hid them

the moment I went to call
I realized there was still a heart by your name
I was in shambles once again

“but I love him”
I said as I cried on the floor
only love can hurt this bad
only love can make me feel like this
so I looked in the mirror
I wiped the makeup running down my face
you hated the makeup, anyway
maybe because it ran when I cried and I couldn’t hide it
at least not as well as I could without it

“but I love him”
I would say
as I cried on Valentine’s Day
as I cried nearly every day toward the end
I learned a lesson overall
love can break and be put back together
but it doesn’t mean it will be me whom you choose to glue the pieces with

I waited as you fell out of love
I waited when you said I couldn’t be enough
I couldn’t fill your void, I suppose
I couldn’t sew it shut

all I ask is that you please give me back what you took from me
I’m tired of searching for it in the abandoned house we once called us
there was so much good
so many beautiful things
but I can’t let myself let go if I keep refusing to see it as it was

you were there
you were here
you were the one to set me straight
to make sure it didn’t hurt when I hit the ground
you were the one to wipe the tears away
the one to heal a wound with just your lips

time changes people
sometimes things don’t last
sometimes people go away
sometimes people break
sometimes bright fires burn out
they weren’t strong enough to stay
sometimes the embers still burn
sometimes the ashes never stray

I rose from the ashes of the girl I once was
I swept myself into a jar off the bathroom floor
I stored it right on my nightstand
to remind me each morning how far I have come
all by myself
all without you

I set boundaries
rid of your pictures once and for all
there’s no longer a heart next to your name
not in my phone
not in my mind
I replaced it with barbed wire and a danger sign
reminding me that sometimes, love alone is not enough

now I know what love is
now I love myself more than I ever loved you