Basic Bitch? No, I’m Just A Basic Bro


Oh don’t mind me, I’m not here to cause any trouble. I’m not like those other bros you’ve heard about – the ones who “crush broads” and “play sports”. I don’t have a single tattoo on my calf and when it comes to parties, I prefer a table for two. I guess you could say I prefer the simpler things in life.

Me? I’m just a basic bro.  

I have a basic income and basic tastes. I can do basic math and I wear Asic running shoes. The only thing I’ve “turnt up” up lately is the heat in my apartment, because it gets a little drafty in the evenings and I’d hate to catch a cold. That’d throw a real wrench into my light jogging routine. 

I’ve got my wardrobe down to a basic science. I wear basic tees from H&M underneath basic button-ups from the sale rack at Gap. My baseball caps all have bent rims and I remove every sticker immediately after purchase.  If I’m feeling a little chilly, I throw on a nice fleecy Patagonia zipper-up. I guess the kids are calling it “normcore” these days. I just call it practical. If all else fails, I strap on my trusty black pea coat, which I’m not afraid to rock with a navy blue JanSport backpack. 

I’m basically a keeper. 

I love to travel. I’ve gone on family vacation to Orlando – twice – but now I’m ready to expand my horizons. Maybe we could explore the world together? How does a four star all-inclusive in the Dominican Republic sound? Punta Cana anyone? 

Music inspires me. Have you heard the latest Black Keys album? Those guys rock the hardest. Skrillex, too. I’d kill for that kind of talent. I’ve never made a beat in my life but I do own an acoustic guitar and yes, I can play Wonderwall, thank you for asking. 


Which reminds me – do you have any plans Friday night? I was thinking, maybe, if you’re interested, we could hit a Red Lobster, slam a few Coors and head over to a faux-Irish pub for some karaoke! What do you say we get ratchet up in here and belt out some Benny and the Jets! You know that one, right? Ben-nay! Ben-nay!

My other interests include lawn care, Merrell sandals, sweet and sour chicken balls, attending auto shows, Lacoste, watching straight porn, and re-posting Chuck Norris memes on Facebook. I also ski. And I haven’t even mentioned my job! You’ve seen Mad Men, right? Well I’m a (Google certified) search engine optimization specialist. NBD. If you want to learn more about it, I’ll be speaking at a podcamp next week. You should stop by!

If all this makes me a basic bro, then so be it. I’ll happily drive off into the sunset in my 2009 Toyota Corolla with a beautiful Comm. major lady friend in the passenger seat. We’ll blast alt-rock through the open sun roof and stop at Starbucks for a pumpkin spice latte, all the while enjoying the basic beauty of this basic world you pretend to be above. 

And if for some reason that bothers you, then you’re basically a bitch.