Autumn Is The Fiona Apple Of Seasons


Fall is so fucking depressing. We’re like, not even a week in and I already hated my Thanksgiving dinner. It’s the second worst season of the year, just after Spring. What the hell is that season supposed to be about? Who has flowers anymore?

You never stop feeling like you’re not going back to school this time of year. That sense of dread and forced change happens long after graduation. After a long summer of short shorts and side boob and a free pass to drink drinks with fruit garnish, you have to “buckle down” and go to Madewell and buy some corduroys. No more swimming in your friend’s pool, you should probably be concentrating on your work more anyway.

Winter forces most of us to be more social. Late December is so busy with the holidays that it doesn’t even count. There are so many distractions from the real world in December that everyone gets a pass on. Everyone can say, “Oh, sorry. I got so busy with the holidays…” . November’s like, “Hey, face the facts: It’s gloomy out and you’re going to lay in bed and rewatch Friday Night Lights and cry because that’s easier than trying.” You can’t claim that you flaked on a favor because you got super caught up in Halloween. That makes you sound like you were molested. But if you say you flaked for Christmas, you sound family-driven and like a really giving person. Winter is great. And February has a three-day weekend or two, right? Love that.

Fall is when you start to think about planning for the upcoming holidays (unless you “live in the present,” in which case: congratulations and you’re a fucking liar because no one actually does that) and that makes you think about your current relationship status. If you’re single you start worrying that you’re going to spend the holidays alone and that is obviously everyone’s biggest fear ‘sides dying in a fire. If you’re in a relationship you have to think about if you want to go through another holiday season with this person and if not, you have to break up with them. If so, you have to worry about how you’ll split your time among families and what to get them.

Fall just makes you feel the way you feel right before you start wondering if you should get on anti-depressants again. Everything feels cold and dim. You start wishing you were a bear so you could at least look forward to hibernation. And by the way, I don’t even live in a city with seasons! That shit just lives in your bones, man.

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