An Unedited Diary Of My Day In Tarrytown


7:10 AM: Woke up. Thought about masturbating. Thought about Lena Dunham obsessively-compulsively masturbating eight times in a row. Jealous if girls can actually do that. Can girls actually do that? She makes it sound terrible, but how could it be? Had a smoke in bed. Masturbated thinking about Spring Breakers, which made me think about Hipster Runoff, which got me thinking about Alice Glass. Had to get back to Spring Breakers to finish. Finished, started watching Tiny Furniture on Netflix.

8:01 AM: That whiny little shit is thumping around already. He’ll be on his iPad in the living room. He doesn’t even bother to use headphones. Didn’t anyone tell him this is a motherfucking writers’ retreat?!

9:32 AM: Finished watching Tiny Furniture, went down for breakfast. Danny makes the best over-easy eggs — one clean swipe of the spatula, and BOOM. He says he learned it at a ranch in Nevada where he stayed with his lover Molly Ann and her crystals. “Those crystals gave her some energy, man, you hear what I’m sayin’?”

10:05 AM: It occurred to me that someone would probably give me a book contract if I came up with something while I’m here. Brainstormed book ideas: premature memoir, book club book, fantasy adventure for tweens. Thought of Jenni’s kid, filled with hatred of tweens. Gave up on book ideas.

11:38 AM: Asked Tanner if he could get me a fake so I could drink in town. He replied (a) no, (b) why would I want to go into town and drink when I can drink here for way cheaper, and (c) everybody in town knows about the teenage prodigy staying at the house on the lake, so I wouldn’t be apt to pass for 21. Shit.

12:30 PM: Went to Tate’s room, told her I’m bored. She said (again) that it was my decision to come out here, and pointed out how much I’d hated school. She asked if I’d done my internet school stuff yet. I said no, asked what she was doing. She said she’s thinking about getting back to her novella. I said that sounded great. I said it in a sarcastic way.

1:00 PM: Started my internet school stuff.

1:17 PM: Finished my internet school stuff. Took a nap.

2:47 PM: Looked out the window and saw Jenni come back from her run, sweaty in spandex. Masturbated.

3:33 PM: Went downstairs for lunch. Ate a bag of Goldfish that I knew were meant for the kid.

4:07 PM: Let Lou teach me how to play cribbage. Spiked my Mountain Dew. He had no clue.

5:45 PM: Barb asked me to help make dinner, so I chopped shit for soup. Continued drinking Mountain Dew and gin.

6:13 PM: Drunk. Picked up The Catcher in the Rye, felt like a stereotype, put it down. Started watching something on Netflix, felt like a stereotype, turned it off. Kept drinking, felt like a stereotype, kept drinking.

7:34 PM: Family dinner. Jenni asked if I’d been drinking, Bets said “obviously not” and went back to her soup.

8:16 PM: Pretended to pass out on the couch, listened to Tanner and Tate talking about ye olde times. Lucy showed up and sat on me. I threw up a little in my mouth, and Tate said she was going to go work on her novella. Tanner and Lucy decided to go to the bar and let locals try to pick them up.

9:53 PM: Decided to do some internet school stuff before I got too sober.

10:40 PM: Tate came to check on me, saw me doing internet school stuff, was impressed. “Whatever it takes,” she said.

11:58 PM: Went outside for a walk. Thought I heard something in the trees, came back. Fucking nature.

12:23 PM: Lucy and Tanner came back, and I followed them out to the place where Leah and Lindsay were staying. Leah and Lindsay had pot. We smoked it. “When you gonna start chipping in for the stash, little bro?” asked Lindsay. “When you stop calling me little bro,” I said. Everyone laughed.

1:44 AM: Lucy put on Justin Timberlake and we had a three-minute dance party, until Lindsay turned it off. “Sorry, I just can’t do that corporate shit,” he said. “Fuck you,” I said. Everyone laughed.

2:09 AM: Thought of Leah’s cornrows. Masturbated. Fell asleep.

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