In the moment, you’re never sorry. It’s not until you’ve had time, possibly too much time (such as three weeks at home from university with no motivation to leave your bed) that you realize just how wrong you were. You don’t just see your mistakes, you see his as well and that’s very important. But the most important of all, is realizing and accepting that neither you nor him nor the value of your (ex)relationship are defined by your faults. No, you are no longer mine and I am no longer yours. But in no way does that make us less.
So here is my apology to you for my mistakes. It is no longer my place to tell you where you went wrong, so I’ll keep that to myself. This is more for me than it is for you, and I know it’s a little late with nothing remaining to be consoled. But be open to it anyways.
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I wanted more from you. I didn’t expect it, but I did want it and yes darling, there is a difference. I gave every ounce of myself to you, and made you my reason for existence. I’m sorry for this as well, because no one except myself should hold such significance. I see that now. I jumped at every chance I had to put a smile on your face, I wanted to give you the world and so I made you mine. I didn’t expect you to do the same for me, which would imply I loved you for the recognition. I did it for my own satisfaction. But I still did want you to do the same for me.
I’m sorry I made excuses for you. If and when you did not reciprocate my all-in affection, I saved you from the burden of finding an alibi by doing it for you. I reasoned as to why you could not, sweeping away all the reasons that you could. This was because you love to play the little boy who couldn’t with a truly lazy heart. Though I encouraged you every day, and tried so hard to drown your family’s doubts as well as your own, I enabled your “I can’t” attitude.
I’m sorry I thought I could be your motivation. The desire and the passion have to come from you, and you have to learn that on your own. You need to learn how to be responsible, and how to work hard simply for your own satisfaction without reward. I know this is the opposite of your familiar environment, but do you see how lifeless and void of happiness they are? Don’t become that. Find your passion, work your ass off, and fuck what they tell you. You have to learn that for yourself, and I hope you do one day.
I’m sorry I hid stories from you of other men trying to catch my affection, just so you wouldn’t feel insecure. I know they threatened you, though I was loyal and gave you no reason to feel this way. This is not meant to build my ego, but I turned several good quality guys away because I only wanted you, but this still didn’t ease your mind. The compliments and the notions of kindness, some of which you had never given me even though I had asked, I brushed off without question for you. I wanted you to see this, to appreciate this and for their affection to motivate you in showing yours, but it only led to the opposite. So I swept these instances under the rug, and kept loyal in silence.
I’m sorry I tried to hide my feelings for him from you, and I’m sorry I couldn’t make up my mind. Truth is, you didn’t inspire me. I wanted a partner, someone to take on the world with, not necessarily romantically. And for so long I waited for you at the start line, but I couldn’t anymore. I’m ready to take off, push my capabilities and change the world. You aren’t. And that’s okay, it is, I don’t think less of you for it. Take your time, but I can’t let you take anymore of mine. I held on to you out of fear of losing my unconditional place next to you, that feeling of home. But this place fell too far into the shadows. I met someone ready to run alongside me, and push me to run faster. You understood every bit of me, and we connected like no other. But you did not share my drive.
I’m sorry you chose to walk away from the possibility of cultivating a friendship, as I realize what you’re giving up even if you do not. Our connection isn’t lost, but everything else in between is. This does not mean I do not love you. I do, though I know you’re chuckling and calling me a liar. I do, and should you ever need me I’ll be there. Until then, I hope you’re happy.