Dear little me,
It’s me, or should I say, it’s you. Older you. I know, hard to believe I’m still alive.
I want you to know that I love you. That may not seem like it could be true, but I promise you that it is. I love you and the bangs that you cut for yourself in the mirror because you wanted to hide your scar. I love that little scar and the indent on your cheek and your dimple. I love your uneven teeth and the baby tooth you try not to show. I love the nose you insist is too big and your lips that you always think are too uneven.
I want you to know that you are beautiful and that one day you will love these things too.
I want you to know that I’m not mad at you. I forgive you for putting work ahead of your health and for using any distraction at your disposal as a means to not look too closely at yourself. I forgive you for dating someone who treats you poorly. I want you to know that you don’t deserve that, no matter how much you feel like you do.
I want you to know that one day you will find someone who looks at you and smiles, who knows how you feel by the look in your eyes and who thinks you are magical. You will learn one day that respect is more important than love, and you will feel lucky because you’ll have both.
I want you to know you won’t always cry every day. You won’t always feel pain, and getting out of bed won’t feel like climbing a mountain. I want you to know that cat that you just took in won’t always hide from you. One day you will realize she likes sleeping by your head, and you won’t wake up alone ever again. Love that cat, because she is going to be there for you when you feel like nobody else is.
I want you to know there’s nothing wrong with you. No, you won’t wake up one day and feel normal. It’s better than that. You’ll learn to embrace the things that make you different. You’ll learn that you’re really good at some stuff and learn to accept the stuff that takes more effort. I know that words like “effort” and “learn” and “embrace” sound foreign to you right now. It’s okay. It’s going to take time.
I want you to know that I am so grateful you didn’t succeed when you tried to kill yourself. There are so many lovely things waiting for you down the line. I want you to know that even now, I would not choose to not have gone what you’re going through. It’s not because I’ve forgotten the hurt, it’s because it teaches you so much and helps you become a better person. Do you hear me? You take that pain and you create something good with it. You do that.
I want you to know that I understand that these are just words on paper and it feels like it’s too much. Just hold in there and take it one day at a time. I’ll be here waiting for you.
I love you so, so, so much.