When I wake up in the morning, my iPhone 7 (yes, 7—times are hard) is the first thing I reach for. Usually because he is yelling at me to get up and into the vertical position to actually make something of myself. He knows that if I had it my way, I would stay in the horizontal position, save for bathroom and food breaks. Instead of making something of myself, I would risk bed sores and be a raw bumpy pretzel stick version of myself.
After I get up, I take him with me everywhere I go. (Is he a hostage, or am I?) I constantly know where he is, and when I don’t, I freak out. Some of the thoughts I think are:
“How will I call someone if I need to know how long to cook chicken thighs?”
“How will I get spoken to passive aggressively if I can’t ask Siri?”
“How can I get to KFC the longest way around if I can’t ask Apple Maps?”
When I find him, he fills me in on everything I missed going on in the world in the past 12 minutes. He’s such a life saver. He tells me I need to call my mother, pay my bills, and check my work emails. He’s always all work and no play. The only time he lets up is when we’re on social media together and he shows me all of the places my friends have been. When I ask him if I can afford to go anywhere, he asks if I want to revisit that trip to KFC idea and if I have any coupons.
He always likes to know where I am, too. He can tell my friends where I am at all times and retrace all of my steps to the places I have been. He can even track down where my car keys are if I have Bluetooth turned on. That’s really handy for the times when I park my car at Target and throw my keys into the woods before I run in to get a few things and can’t find either when I get out.
I don’t know what I would do without him. He tells me what day it is, what time it is, and what the weather is like. What am I supposed to do without all of that information? Remember what day it is, know how to tell time, and actually step outside? I’m not an animal.
He also knows all of my most deep inner thoughts. I write them down in my phone diary (notes app) and he swears not to tell them to anyone. They are things so private that if anybody knew them, I would be done for. I don’t need people having blackmail potential, like knowing that I have to make a list for three grocery items per trip or I won’t remember them. Or a note to not forget to look up a Barry Manilow song when I get home.
I’ll never be able to repay Verizon for introducing us. He put on his best black case and won me over at first sight. I still can’t take my eyes off of him. He reminds me of that each time he sends me my weekly screen time summary. I don’t regret those precious minutes I could have been productive or the lost sleep. He knows me better than anybody and still stays by my bedside at night. They said we wouldn’t make it. To be fair, I have dropped him a fair amount of times. But here we are, still ignoring the people around us like a couple of lovebirds.