A Love I’m Not Ready To Let Go Of
By Jade Carma
My chest is a little heavier than I remember it being when I went to bed. I guess it’s because even in my sleep I can’t escape him, and waking up knowing that he’s not who I thought he was just makes it hurt a little more. When I used to think of the possibility of losing him, I felt ill to my stomach. I convinced myself that he wouldn’t leave me, because who lets go of a love like that? Well he decided that he had to let go, because it just wasn’t the love he could handle.
I had asked if he loved me, and he said not to do that, not to make things worse. He could have chosen to lie and say, no I don’t love you. Instead he chose to avoid the subject all together. He loves me, but he was just too stubborn to admit that for once I was right, and that he was making the biggest mistake of his life. He was the one breaking my heart, and yet I was the one apologizing.
I have to tell myself that we are not who we were, no matter how familiar it feels. Sometimes you have to face your reality. When you have to sit in front of the one you love and face the fact that there’s nothing you can say or do to make him want you back. He’s going to have a bag full of your things, and you’re going to hand him the shirts that you kept. Then after all has been said and done, you walk away, even though you would have given anything to just stay right there. That’s the reality of love, sometimes you can love someone with all your heart but it still won’t be enough.
But, this is where my life starts without him. Days will go by without hearing from him, and soon I’ll stop waking up thinking I have him to look forward to. One of these days I won’t think about him as often as I do, and if I do I won’t be as sad. This where it starts and this is where it also ends.