A List Of Times I’ve Wanted To Kill Myself, From Birth Until The Present


Age 0:

While being born, I wrapped my neck with the umbilical cord because I didn’t want to leave my mom’s insides.

Age 3:

When I kicked my imaginary friend Pepe out of the house for saying I was not cool enough to be Michelangelo from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Age 7:

When I tripped in front of Sally at the skating rink and I knocked out my two front teeth and sprayed blood all over Sally’s face.

Age 9:

When my third-grade teacher Mrs. Adler said I could have cake—then wouldn’t let me have cake, claiming I was too fat—all in front of Sally.

Age 10:

When I told Sally I like liked her and she said I should’ve listened to Mrs. Adler and stopped eating cake.

Age 11:

When I was in line for my mom at the grocery store and I was next and she was nowhere in sight.

Age 12:

When I made some friends who were really just bullies, and I thought this is what friendship is.

Age 13:

On 9/11, not because I lost someone, but because I was the only kid that didn’t get picked up early from school.

Age 14:

When I saw my dad’s penis was bigger than mine.

Age 16:

When I threw a birthday party and I couldn’t break the piñata, though I said I could because I was “16 now, dammit.”

Age 18:

When my group of friends for the last four years stopped hanging out with me.

Age 18:

When someone on my freshman hall purposely shied their head and turned away when they saw me approaching.

Age 19:

When I got really drunk and smoked weed and got the spins for the first time and couldn’t pay attention to Twin Peaks because it was “too much.”

Age 20:

When I was in a party of 19 at a restaurant and we had to split the bill.

Age 21:

When I did Ecstasy and had a three-day comedown and my dick was soft the whole time so I couldn’t even jack off.

Age 22:

When someone on Facebook asked if anyone wanted to hang, and I said I did, and they said “no” and it got 100 likes.

Age 22:

When I had sex for the first time and thought I would rather be masturbating.

Age 24:

When I thought I would still put my bachelor’s in psychology to good use.

Age 24:

When I was at a family reunion and thought, “Man, my cousin’s boobs look pretty nice.”

Age 25:

When I saw Bob Odenkirk and David Cross on their pseudo-Mr. Show tour and thought nothing will ever be better than this, so why bother?

Age 25:

When my credit card got declined on a date, and I didn’t have any cash, so instead I washed dishes while the waiter and my date had really loud sex in the supply closet.

Age 26:

When I realized my acquaintances were my friends.

Age 26:

When I finished writing this list.