Maybe This Is Why I’m No Longer So Soft
By Patty Midy
I often ask myself when did I get so hard
Rough around the edges
A boulder, unable to move
A stone lodged in my own throat
I used to be soft,
Soft hair, soft skin, soft body
But you see my body stopped being my own
It wasn’t mine for so long
I gave it one night, on a bathroom counter
I gave it, but did not realize it was not handed back
Did not realize that monsters do not just hide under beds
They lay under people too
Greedy things that will reach out their arms to grab you
Even when you say you’ve had enough
Even when you tell them no
And then your body won’t be yours again
It will just jump from monster to monster
Hopscotching across nightmares
Skipping stepping stones across your heartbeat
My heart stopped talking to my body
Couldn’t bear to know what it was doing to itself
The night it got into a monster’s car
Drank a cup it knew was poison
Danced on its own grave
Painted a clown smile and performed like it was told to do
“Move your legs higher” said the ringmaster
“Don’t make any noise”
You said we were going for ice cream
Do you know that I stopped eating ice cream for months after you?
When did I get so tough I ask myself
When my cousin tells me you forced yourself onto her
In the dark of a party you tricked her into the forest
With so called friends who pretended they were coming back
Who never came back
She tells me how you plastered yourself onto her
How she fought back and ran away
And I can’t even look into her eyes
Can’t explain to her how you asked me to go get ice cream
How I said yes
That I knew we weren’t on the right road
That I drank that alcohol anyway
Lay there on the roof of a half built house
Said nothing when you chiseled out pieces of me
Said nothing when you took me to your home
Said nothing as we sat in the car and you took me home
When did I get so rigid I ask myself
Only when I stopped drinking so much
Only when I became sober enough to realize they never asked me if I was sure, if I was ready, if I wanted it
When I realized it’s not supposed to hurt
You’re not supposed to feel so dirty after
Only when I stood under the shower for hours and tried to scrub you off,
but there’s not enough soap in the world that could remove the freshly packed dirt from under my fingernails
Or the tree trunk from under my cousin’s
And so instead I packed myself away and tried to grow into a rock
I promise I only look hard on the outside
On the inside it’s nothing but limestone
Layers of sediment settled inside of myself, fossils of harsh memories I refused to face for so many years
Don’t try to bend me I will easily break
I spend hours in the rain hoping if I stay long enough these outer layers will soften into something prettier
I know there has to be amber hidden inside there but no one has bothered to look
I didn’t bother to look
And now? Now I am looking, now I am standing in streams and rivers and lakes
Trying to find the right stepping stones back to home
From the crumbs my heart left behind as it was crushed beneath the weight of monstrous hands
And so I forgive myself for being a little rough, it’s nothing but battle scars of a journey, slowly healing along with me.