9 Reasons Why Straightening Your Hair Is The Goddamn Worst


There are few things in my life I know for certain: I have way too many vibrators (not my fault); I look like an asshole in harem pants; and I hate straightening my hair.

To be precise, I look forward to straightening hair with the same enthusiasm I might if I were going to a Celine Dion concert (not at all). In the summer, I let my hair go curly because I’m one of the few women who finds humidity to be my friend. My hair looks like magical, as though I just stepped out of a seashell.

During the winter months, not so much. My hair looks more like the strands of an old mop crossed with a haystack. Not quite straight and not curly. So to make things easier on everyone (including the people who have to look at me), I straighten my hair.

But let me tell you, it’s a real bitch. Here are things only a woman who straightens her hair understands.

1. You dread washing your hair.

Because you know the minute you get out of the shower, you’ve got serious work to do. This isn’t a time to relax like normal people do.

2. The money you spend on hair products could rival the GDP of a small nation.

Flatirons, heat protectant, blow dryers, hair ties, anti-frizz serum, round brush, and clips… Did you feel exhausted from reading that? I did.

3. Rain instills a profound fear in you.

You see rain clouds forming and realize that doomsday is near. Any minute, your perfectly coifed hair is likely to turn into a rat’s nest.

4. Blow-drying your hair straight is a serious workout.

No need to do arm curls at the gym. Straighten your hair enough and your arms will start throbbing. But at least those puppies will be toned.

5. Dry shampoo is your friend.

When you’re in a jam and can’t wash your hair (because it takes too damn long to blow-dry), dry shampoo is your bestie.

6. The back of your head is your worst enemy.

You aren’t a wizard! You don’t have eyes in the back of your head, which makes straightening the hair on the back of your head twice as difficult. Thank god for handheld mirrors or you’d never know what’s going on back there.

7. You’re never done.

You’re done blow-drying, but you still must whip out the straightening iron. Every now and then you’ll get a whiff of burning hair and pray to God you haven’t caused permanent damage.

8. Your split ends make you feel guilty.

You know how bad straightening your hair is. And the split ends are proof of that. But you can’t help yourself. It’s like a bad boyfriend you can’t give up.

9. Freshly dried hair is addicting.

As much as blow-drying is a pain in the butt, that silky, sexy feel of your newly washed hair is enough to keep you coming back each time.