1. The Bitch
I’d like to start off by saying that I personally love this girl. I love the overly critical, morally upright, pseudo-psychotic who will judge everyone (including you) on something as trivial as wearing running shoes with skinny jeans or as serious as your political views. This woman will not hide who she is to make you like her. She’s a straight shooter. She also might throw your pants at you the morning after a sleepover and tell you to go feed your guinea pig (I’ve never done this…)(I’ve done this). Let’s face it, she’s kind of a cunt. I can appreciate it, but I don’t like to date this one. She’s very black and white, unyielding if you will, and not subject to change.
2. The Liar
This is the girl with stories that are endlessly fascinating and hobbies that fill you with envy. There are a few ways to handle this one. We can either start digging for the truth or accept it for truth ooooor try to one-up her until someone calls the other out. “You climbed Kilimanjaro? I climbed Everest, and what?” “Clearly, you aren’t an astronaut.” “Well, I went to space camp once?”
The Chameleon is a subgenre of The Liar that I HAVE to mention as I’ve dated her a few times. This is the girl who magically has the same interests as you, but oddly none of her own. Typical characteristics would be that she’s a pleaser and she’s generally hard to buy presents for. You’ll also know this is true of your ex when you start to stalk her FB or IG and see that her “About Me” has changed as well as her hair, her clothes, her taste in music, and her manner of speech.
3. The Climber
This girl can’t exactly be faulted, but maybe I only advocate for her because I’ve been her. This is the girl who will flirt or casually date you for networking purposes. The intentions aren’t always malicious in nature. Sometimes she thinks your friend is hot and it’s part of some very elaborate scheme to win her over. This one I can applaud because the long game is a hard one to commit to. I’ve definitely bought a drink for a girl because her friends seemed like a blast. It only cost me a Jägerbomb for four hours of fun with all of her cool friends? Yes! I probably shouldn’t have just quit talking to her after she introduced me, but I regret nothing! Uncouth? Probably. Malicious? …naaaaaaah….
4. The Clinger
We all know this girl. We are all susceptible to being this girl. In your early 20s this is almost endearing. They want to spend all their time with you, but soon it turns into not wanting you to spend time with anyone else. The line between sneaking into their window like Sam on Clarissa Explains it All (cute and subtle) and tying you to a bed like Kathy Bates in Misery (bitch be cray) seems to be a bit hard to recognize for this girl. I once dated a girl who sent me a house-warming card two days after I moved in…I hadn’t even invited her over yet. Did I mention she lived 40 minutes away and she left it on my car? I’d avoid this one unless you’re willing to Facetime ALL day and have her drive by to make sure your car is still parked in your lot.
5. The Overachiever
This girl is the one that just seems too good to be true, but you can’t put your thumb on exactly what’s amiss. She is probably some elevated vision of what you aspire to be. She’s a self-sufficient, witty, independent woman who probably in no way needs you. She has cooler friends, a better haircut, a more useful degree, is extremely competitive, and she takes a lot of pride in this knowledge. Let’s face it…she’s a smug bastard. Oh, you graduated summa cum laude? Well, I never lost a game of Edward 40 hands or flip cup. Fine, you’re a superior lesbian, feminist, and human being, but can you lick your elbow? I didn’t think so! Ha!
6. The Damaged One
These are the girls that appeal to our maternal side. We see these damaged people and we want to put them back together. They usually have mommy or daddy issues and have had unhealthy past relationships. Maybe they have some terminal disease and we want to help them live out their final days surrounded by love and beauty. Maybe, but this isn’t A Walk to Remember or A Fault in Our Stars, so probably not. Truthfully, they’ll probably drunk-cry a lot and you’ll have no clue as to what you should say to them. In my experience they are never more or less happy after that relationship, but you will beat yourself for not being able to put her back together. This is what I (Michael Scott) like to call a “lose/lose/lose”.
7. The College Lesbian
This is the relationship that you were in during college or even shortly after sticking your pinky toe out of the closet. No PDA. No titles. No real discussions. You’re always the friend, never the girlfriend. You are constantly second-guessing yourself. Is this a phase for her? Is this a phase for me? I’m looking at her tits again…probably not a phase. She flirts with boys and ignores you at bars. The whole relationship ceases to exist outside the confines of your separate beds. She appeals to your ego. “There’s just something about you….I don’t know if I like girls, but I know I like you.” I maybe have been a bit of closet case, but when I did come bursting out of that door I kissed ALL the girls! In her case she slammed the door, got married, and now has two children. He’s tacky and the kids have fat heads.
8. The Right One
The infamous perfect fit. I’m going to overly romanticize this girl because she’s going to be the ONLY right one. This woman isn’t going to be perfect. Each of us is looking for something different, so maybe this one is a combination of all those girls but with a splash of compassion or confidence or intelligence that makes all those bad qualities worth it. She will provide blunt honesty delivered with compassion. She will have a passion for something that brightens her life and has nothing to do with you. She will accept your compliments because she knows that she has so much to offer. She will be the person that makes you stop talking and start listening. She will make you tender and kind. She shares in your burdens and successes. When you meet her, you’ll understand why fretting over all the others was such a waste of time.