You were like a drug to me. You were so bad for me but the high of it all was so good. Coming off of that high was the most vulnerable – but necessary – thing I ever did. I needed to quit playing your game to quit you. I went through a lot of emotions and choices to get to the point where I am now, without you. I didn’t want it to end up this way but it had to, and it’s your fault. I’m not the type to give up on people and I tried really, really hard to always believe in you, but you let me down. I left without a word, just silently took myself out of your life and your game. But just because I left in silence doesn’t mean I don’t have anything to say. This is what else I want you to know:
1. I do forgive you.
I accept the apology that I deserve but will never receive. You were never one to apologize, and why would you? You don’t see anything wrong with your actions, no matter how many people you hurt.
2. You hurt me, a lot.
You were the first guy that I really trusted, and I trusted that you cared, especially when you said you had caught feelings. But you made choices that hurt me, and then you lied about those choices. You proved to me that you were not the person I thought you were and you didn’t even care that you hurt me. The pain of losing someone, no matter the “relationship title,” is still very real and it does not discriminate.
3. I avoided feeling the hurt.
After I realized how badly you had screwed me over, how many other girls there were, how much you didn’t care, I was overwhelmed with hurt. It was the hurt that I had been avoiding and repressing by continuing to believe in you and your lies, and hoping that you would change. It was the hurt that I had to experience to get over you.
4. I still keep tabs on you.
Like a drug, it’s hard to just quit something that you become so addicted to. I still keep tabs on you. I would never wish bad things on you, but I don’t wish you well.
5. I wish I had been the one to change you.
It’s cliché, but I wanted so badly to be the one who made you change your fuckboy ways. Your interest in me was purely based on your ego. Now I know that you will never learn and you will never change, because you don’t care about others enough to do so.
6. Remember when I said I cared.
In order to have the capacity to hurt someone’s feelings, they have to care about you in the first place. I meant every word that I said, but you didn’t and you lied. I cared, but you were only pretending. Maybe you really did think I was beautiful or really did enjoy my company, but looking back, everything and anything that you ever said means nothing to me now.
7. I won.
You played your game and even though I “lost” by ending up with feelings and being hurt, you didn’t break me. I was brave enough to run so in the end I actually won.
8. You’ll miss me.
You always will.