8 Books You Can Read While Walking In Public

Multitasking, the art of poorly performing at least two tasks simultaneously, has seen its fair share of success stories.  These achievements in multitasking have advanced society by making daily living more efficient: patting one’s head and rubbing one’s stomach, Pert Plus (shampooing and conditioning), blenders (eating and drinking), and the mute button on phones (talking to one’s long-distance girlfriend and watching one’s TV).  For all its victories, though, multitasking has churned out the occasional failure: texting and driving, karaoke (singing and reading), Nair for Men Body Hair Remover (shaving one’s chest and being a man), and cottage cheese (eating and wanting to vomit).  But no multitasking activity has generated more public frustration than reading and walking, the combination of two solitary, geriatric hobbies.  Although reading, like circumcisions, should not be performed while walking, in an effort to preempt complaints from ambulating bibliophiles about the need to speed and read, here are the only eight books you can read while walking in public:

1. “Left, Right, Then Left Again: Walking for Dummies”

2. “War and Peace,” only if you sign a contract that you’ll finish (punishable by public shaming)

3. “No Girl is Impressed”

4. A see-through book held at eye level

5. “A Step-by-Step Guide to Getting Beat Up in New York City”

6. “How to Conceal Your Creepy Face with a Book”

7. “A Brief Refresher on Life-Saving Surgical Techniques for Amnesiac Cardiothoracic Surgeons Scheduled to Operate in Less Than Two Hours”

8. “Normal People Don’t Read While Walking in Public and How You Can’t Too”