1. That old banana is ALWAYS there for you. Through thick and thin, that banana has your motherfucking back. Even when its skin turns greenish black and cracks with age—that banana will never just walk away and leave you with the bar tab. The banana remains, because bananas are loyal, true friends, and, also, they have no legs.
2. That old banana has never criticized your choice in guys. And it totally could have, because some of the guys you date are like… um pieces of human garbage. But that old banana hasn’t tried to throw it in your face one single time. Seriously, if you wanted to sexy dance with a machine gun loaded with live rounds, that old banana wouldn’t say a peep.
3. That old banana knows how to listen. C’mon, who are you going to call instead, Cheryl? Does the old banana constantly shift the conversation back to itself and its ex-boyfriend who has totally moved on? No, no it does not. Burn on you, Cheryl.
4. That old banana believes in you and your dreams—even when you don’t. Even when you think that you should just quit your job on that reality television show and your internship at DSW, because the shoe industry is just too difficult to break into these days. Even when you tell yourself that you’re never going to be the next Antonio Amato (Bergdorf Goodman’s top-selling shoe salesman) because Zappos has really just destroyed the market and soon shoe stores won’t even exist.
5. That old banana never complains when you just want to stay in and have a girls’/banana night. Like, if you just want to eat a bunch of string cheese and think about lunar cycles and quote Mean Girls and take Buzzfeed quizzes about which 1990s magazine quiz you are—I’m Seventeen Magazine’s “Are You a Snob?” Quiz from the July 1995 issue with Alicia Silverstone on the cover—the old banana is totally down.
6. That old banana always puts you before anyone else, even a significant other. You’ve honestly never even SEEN that old banana with another living person or banana—you’re not even really sure about what that old banana is into sexually.
7. That old banana will totally go anywhere with you. Rome? Sure. Some skanky bar basement because you love their mozzarella sticks? Yep. That old banana will even accompany you to your crush’s terrible, terrible improv show and you know it’s not just because it likes improv, because no one likes improv. Name the place and that old banana will go there with you. It has to, because it’s your best friend forever and that’s what best friends forever do and also it’s in your handbag.