7 Easy Steps To Success


Success is defined as the attainment of popularity or profit. If you’re getting enough sleep, you’re not working hard enough. Work will set you free, so said the Nazis. You can sleep when you’re dead. In the meantime, don’t do anything your manager wouldn’t approve. Be always ergonomic and:

1. Smile

It takes more muscles to frown than to smile, so that’s reason enough to ceaselessly bare your teeth without the slightest provocation. Practice contorting your mouth so that those introverted molars are clearly visible, tartar or no. Smiling is contagious, spread by rats and fleas. Flash those pearly maggots and attract flies.

2. Make Eye Contact

During billable interpersonal interlocutions, bug your eyeballs until your eyelids tatter and peel away, exposing the meaty whites so coveted by social animals. Beware; looking left means you’re lying, so never look left unless you want to be left for dead.

3. Give a Firm Handshake

Like your IQ and your wardrobe, your handshake determines who and what you are. Those prehistoric protozoa that developed the most crushing handshakes evolved into anatomically modern Homo sapiens while their introverted inferiors evolved into rocks. If your handshake doesn’t hospitalize, you’d better optimize.

4. Have Interests

Second to a respectable, professional job, you ought to have relatable, interesting interests. What’s your passion? Gardening? Cars? Spree killing? Richard Ramirez could get any girl with an unlocked window. Charles Manson is engaged at the time of this writing. Do what you love that other people love, and soon you’ll be the subject of a manhunt.

5. Be Positive, Not Negative

You’re either one or the other, so choose carefully. There’s only one right answer, and if you bungle, you’ll be positively roasted by the happiest of your peers. Take after them—you’re allowed only to be negative about negativity. Two negatives always make a positive.

6. Make Your Bed

Your bed is your master. It knows where you sleep; it can break your back. Waking on its bad side can curse your day. Pull yourself up by your own bootstraps and have the moxie to make your bed first thing, or else.

7. Love Yourself

Keeps your hands soft.