1. The seller.
This is the person who constantly advertises their latest cosmetic or weight loss products in the office. Not only do they feel the need to show their personal before-and-after photos of a brand new type of mascara and how much longer it has made their lashes, but they will try to talk about it for thirty minutes before inevitably saying, “…and it’s only $50!”
2. The junk food fanatic.
Not only does this person make the entire building smell like a balloon of grease and fast food, but their tendency to eat at their desk leaves the trash you sit by just as raunchy. They are the first ones to go seconds on the cake that the boss brought in. They are also the ones who ironically conclude each eating session with a comment about how much they want to start losing weight.
3. The promiscuous husband.
Although married, everyone in the office can list as least two other female coworkers that he has banged. This is the guy who constantly talks about how much he loves his wife and kids by expressing all of the fun activities they have planned for the weekend. Yet the attempt at a cover fools no one, because we all know who his office squeeze is.
4. The gossip.
Did you hear the latest about [insert colleague’s name here]? I can’t believe [insert dramatic event here] happened over the weekend! I wonder how [another name here] must be feeling. They also always know the latest news about the promiscuous husband. And as they divulge this gossip, they always end with, “Just promise not to tell anyone else…”
5. The one who doesn’t do shit.
This is the person you see clock in and clock out. But as for the rest of the day, that is left unanswered. Their title and job duties are unclear. They never respond to emails, and the red flashing light on their work phone indicating a voice mail is always left unreturned. They are the person we loathe and secretly want to be.
6. The optimist.
Notice a negative work atmosphere lately? The optimist most certainly picks up on this and will, accordingly, bring in breakfast for everyone the very next morning. They are the ones who are sure to motivate others with positive gestures such as friendly high-fives and encouraging compliments. Of all the colleague types, we are most thankful of these people they typically provide free food and smiles.