6 Truths About Using Grindr


1. No one is ever as attractive as his profile picture.

Hours, upon days, upon weeks, are spent capturing the perfect Grindr profile pic. No matter how chiseled the jawline or defined the abs on the random boy’s profile you’re chatting with, you’re bound to be disappointed. When it comes to blowjobs, photo manipulation is beneath no one.

Whether the picture was taken last month or last year, it isn’t an accurate portrayal of your chosen chat-mate.

2, “Just looking for friends” is never looking for just friends.

Whether he’s emotionally damaged from his last relationship or still tiptoeing out of the closet, every gay man knows what Grindr is for—hooking up. If he’s “just looking for friends” he’s “just looking” for someone to convince him otherwise and offer him a blowjob.

3. If social media sites are “too much drama” for him, he’s not real.

When you’re really vibing with a guy and he wants to hang out, obviously the first logical though is verification—Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, etc. If your object of desire can’t provide at least one accessible social media profile, chances are he’s nothing more than a smooth-talking middle-aged man who has developed an 

4. If he “doesn’t want to give out his number on something like this,” he’s probably one of your “friends.”

A guy whose first message is asking for a dick pic and second is asking your sexual preferences is most likely a previously rejected prospect bitter and desperate for some satisfaction (unless of course it’s a Saturday night and the gay bars just called last call).

If he’s hesitant to send more than the typical generic penis, pixelated face, or body picture without a 2009 timestamp, chances are you’re about to send a racy picture to the guy you talk to out of sympathy at the bar every weekend.

5. After 3 a.m., it’s a free-for-all.

The entire gay caste system goes out the window and if you log on after the forbidden hour, be prepared to get a sixteenth message from the guy who pesters you on Grindr incessantly, but avoids eye contact at the bar. He’ll strike up a conversation about a mutual friend he saw you say hello to and then you’re stuck in the awkward position of continuing to ignore someone for the seventeenth time.

6. The only way to win at Grindr is to rid yourself of the temptation.

Whether you’re drunk or lonely, the only clear-headed way to approach a Grindr hookup is to release your sexual frustration before you get the chance to invite the stranger over. Because when it comes down to it, you don’t have to worry about your right hand’s car getting towed out of your parking lot or the awkward goodbye in the morning.