We all go out. Well, at least everyone who clicked on this article probably does, unless you’re reading my writing to feel better about yourself. Which you probably will. But, for my party animals out there, HEY! We deserve to, after all it’s the freaking weekend baby, and we want to have some well-deserved and non-disastrous fun!!! Now, while hitting ‘the clubs’ seems harmless and great, it can go from sweaty to messy in seconds—even before you leave the door. Here are some things you should never do (unless you want to get completely insane, than disregard this, Tara Reid).
1. Check your bank account.
I mean, I’m not telling you to go balls to the wall and drop a hundred (or a twenty, who are we kidding) and wake up in hella overdraft. But have fun! You work, and maybe make your own money, all week—you should try to enjoy this night as much as you can. Plus, it’s not like realizing you only have $15 dollars in your name is going to stop you from going out after you took five shots, it’s just going to make you more inclined to steal donuts from Dunkin Donuts at 4AM on your way home. I’m not the only one who has to cut through a DD to go home, right?
2. Watch an emotional movie.
Now don’t get me wrong, this is my favorite film genre. Give me Sally Field in a small southern town dealing with the loss of her daughter every damn day, please. BUT there’s a time and place. Like tomorrow night. Right now, you gotta be pumping yourself up for your paaaAArty lifestyle. I’ve made this mistake last summer, where me and my friends thought The Fault In Our Stars + a popcorn dinner was a perfect pre-pregame ritual. Right? So wrong. And while it wasn’t my first time being hungry and mid tears while taking shots to the sound of a Macbook blasting Rihanna, it certainly wasn’t enjoyable—and ended up being quite the spectacle full of sleeping on the only couch at a party and attempting to order thirty breakfast sandwiches. Turns out you should just stay in when you’re an emotional wreck, but let’s leave that lesson for 2015.
3. Weigh yourself.
LOLOLOL. Nothing says wild for the night like realizing your 8 AM spin class made you GAIN two pounds! For better or for worse, don’t weigh yourself. Because even if you did wind up losing weight (vodka soda and quest bars 4 life), you’ll probably wind up using it as your pick up line which just isn’t cute.
“Hey, you look good tonight.”
“Thanks, I know right? I’ve been trying to lose weight and it’s finally working! I’ve dropped 3 pounds in 4 weeks and hopefully I can fit into real jeans soon and stop wearing elastic waists. Where are you going??”
Don’t worry, it probably sounded less insane in your head.
4. Not drink (double negative, boom!).
I mean unless you’re the DD, but now that you can connect your Spotify and Uber, comeee on. While it may shock you based on the amount of letters I just put in the word ‘come,’ I’m not a total mess and have gone out a few times above the influence. Aand it low key sucks. You don’t have to totally black out, but at least have a few Blue Moons (or whatever other ‘hip’ beer you drink to prove you sincerely like that flea market sweater you got that makes you itch) and get a little buzz. Trust me, it’ll make being forced to dance to “Fancy” a little easier. Plus, can we stop playing this song, clubs/bars/grocery stores?
5. Play catch-up.
Don’t. Please don’t. If you go to a pregame late, or meet people out, don’t automatically assume they’re going to be trashed. No night will end well if you reason with yourself, “okay I’m going to be 20 minutes late, so I’ll just take six shots while I’m on the subway and it will all be fine.” It won’t be fine, and you’ll probably wake up with a bruise—even if it is just from hitting your head on the refrigerator door on your hunt for #NightCheese.
6. Change into sweats “for a minute”
Unless you’re ready forfeit any possibility of going out, because let’s be real, the three S’s (sweats, snacks, and sitcoms) is better than any place with a sticky floor, even if they ARE playing your song.