I wish I could say love was the only drug in my past relationships.
Over the last six years, I have intentionally slapped myself in the face to say the least with a relationship that was doomed for failure from the very beginning. It all started when I was entering high school. I met individuals who completely changed my life for the better and individuals who completely destroyed it. One specific person put a burden on me, and to be perfectly honest I don’t know how to get rid of his presence in my life. I feel nothing because of him; I’m so empty on the inside and I constantly crave danger or dangerous situations. To tell you all the truth, he really did ruin a good portion of my life.
I went from being a scholar student to snorting lines of cocaine off bathroom sinks in bars and then illegally driving down the 401. If I have to tell the truth it was fun for a very short amount of time. Thankfully, I do not have an addictive personality and the few times hard drugs were in my system I never craved them again. I wish I could say the same about him but everyone has their reasons as to why they do certain things. I will not sit here and say the things we did were ok but many of the things I did were because of how others treated me (mainly him).
Here are some things to expect when dating an addict:
They will never love you; they are in love with themselves and the drugs their body yearns for
The drug addict never realizes what they have and what they will lose. They are their only priority; YOU will never be the priority. This took me such a long time to believe. I thought that he loved me and that everything would change. I didn’t think he was as addicted as everyone saw him to be because after a while it was normal to me. After about two years of dealing with the addiction, we constantly fought and we fought to the point where the police were involved. I still remember crying in a staircase at 6:45 in the morning after he kicked me out of his house in the middle of the night while I was extremely intoxicated or the time he cheated on me with a prostitute and he filmed it. Even though all this was evolving in front of me, I still wanted to believe he was a great person. The next morning he called, told me he was sorry and that he loved me for being there. Of course, I forgave him and this happened at least thirty more times.
They will use you for your money and scam you into ways of getting money from you
I used to write letters, call him, take him to concerts, pay for all the drinks at the bar, and finally pay for our vacations. I did all this while attending university and being a student with a minimum wage job. Yes, it sucked. I got used for my money, my feelings, and my love for another human being all so they could support an addiction that did not involve me. He told me he couldn’t afford anything, ever. We dated for a very long time and I can’t remember a date where he paid for dinner or even for my coffee. It took me a year to pay off all the debt he put me into, but it was my own fault I never said no. I didn’t think it was ok to say no.
They will expect you to do drugs with them and 99.9% of the time you will ACCEPT the offer
A person you love offers you a little bit of cocaine after the bar, what are you going to do? Say no? How would that play out after being emotionally scarred for four years? Most women will say yes, they will agree just to get out of the argument. I said yes because I was at the point in doing anything I could to keep my relationship together. He loved it and he got a great night out of it all followed by more alcohol, sex and a cab ride home. Meanwhile, I was at home shaking in my bed thinking I was going to die considering I have a previous health history of seizures and an irregular heart beat at times.
They can be extremely fun people to be around but you have to realize they are NOT living in reality
Sure going to the bar and getting completely loaded on a Monday night seems fun but it’s extremely unrealistic. He doesn’t have to wake up for work the next morning, but guess what YOU probably do–and you know if you call in sick one more time you’re going to get fired. Staying up every night till 6am is also not realistic because you have to be up at 8am for work and he once again DOESN’T.
They will most likely quit their jobs/school and have very bad relationships with their families/friends because their addiction is more important
This brings me right back to number 4, most likely the addict will not have a job and they wont attend any type of post secondary education. They will have very bad relationships with your parents/friends and their own parents due to the fact that they do nothing all day long and are extremely sensitive when the idea of a job or attending school is brought up. They get very defensive because they are beginning to realize that the addiction is real.
You are constantly worried about their safety and pray for them to live through the night
No one will understand that after a while you develop an addiction yourself. Not to the drugs themselves but to the person. This doesn’t happen because you love them, this happens because you are so invested into trying to fix their life. One minute they are getting back on track and the next they come home with a giant stab wound across a part of their body at 3am and you don’t know what to do. You’re afraid that they won’t wake up one morning. I can’t even begin to count the amount of times I thought he was going to die. I would wake up in the middle of the night and he would be lying next to me not breathing. I do not wish this upon anyone; the cold chill that crawls down your spine while you try to revive someone is horrifying.
No matter how many tears have crawled down my face over the years, the money I spent, and the feelings I invested I will never feel sorry for myself. I will never truly understand the attraction that kept me around for so long. Maybe I felt bad for him; maybe he was around to teach me a lesson. At the end of the day the best thing to do is run. If you are or ever were in a situation similar to mine just run away. No matter how much it hurts, it will hurt you more to stay.