I’m a sucker for instant gratification, so I’ve found myself making more than a couple bad snap decisions. Let’s be honest, though—consequences are a total drag!
While for the most part I keep my eyes on the road ahead, I’ll take the occasional glance in the rearview mirror and hope that I don’t lock eyes on the entire jar of cookie butter I ate when I stumbled home last night.
Here are six other things I’ve done that are always a bad idea:
The only time I looked good with bangs was when I was in first grade, and that was only for the two days a month when my mom let them grow past my eyebrows. I blame Zooey Deschanel and Rashida Jones 100% for leading me to believe that I can rock a blunt shelf of hair across my forehead without a team of seven sassy hairstylists to make my fringe look fierce. I actually had to stop watching New Girl to help me fight the urge to cut my hair again.
2) My gym membership.
Who doesn’t join a gym thinking it’s totally feasible to wake up at 5AM every day, crush some cardio, shower, and still make it to the office before 9AM? It’s a good week if I make it once, and definitely not before the sun rises. At $42/month I’m basically paying over $10 to spend 30 minutes on a treadmill (or if we’re being brutally honest, the elliptical machine). Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure quitting my gym is punishable by law.
3) Bottomless brunch.
Or rather, trying to maintain any kind of plans after a bottomless brunch. Call it a character flaw, but I have yet to leave a carafe of mimosas unattended while at a table. Why I leave grocery shopping, laundry, and other necessary weekend activities until after I’ve downed a couple bottles of Moët (or André) is a mystery I have yet to solve. However, it might explain why my kitchen so often lacks essential food groups but offers a surplus of wasabi peas. I once even thought it would make a lot of sense to go to a yoga class after brunch. What followed were arguably the longest 75 minutes of my life surrounded by serious, sober strangers who seemed totally unfazed as I spent half the class crying in child’s pose. I have never felt so alone.
They can be hella cute or make you look like an adult baby. Regardless, wearing a romper becomes a no-win situation every time you need to basically take off all your clothes just to use the bathroom. Every time I wear one I swear I’ll stick strictly to dresses moving forward. Despite my resolution, I usually find myself in Forever 21 about 12 hours later with several new flowery onesies that I probably won’t bother to try on.
5) Any text I send after three or more drinks.
One time I invited my cute neighbor to a late-night rendezvous…at McDonald’s. Ex-boyfriends, potential boyfriends, girls I went to elementary school with, my mom, my dentist…no one is safe. If I didn’t rely on Uber to get me home 75% of the time I would probably leave my phone on my nightstand every time I go out for “just a couple drinks.”
6) Having more than three drinks in general.
This just never ends well. Even if the urge doesn’t strike to send weird, unsolicited messages to everyone in my phone, all roads will still lead to a pizza or a burrito or a burrito that is wrapped in a pizza. Long gone are the days of waking up after a drinking binge ready to hit the gym and take the world by storm. (It’s not important whether or not that actually ever happened.) Nowadays there aren’t enough electrolytes in the world to get me functioning past 65% after an evening of imbibing. Waking up after a night on the town conjures up serious regret, reassessment, and a strong determination to start a cleanse. Four to eight hours later that determination usually yields to a craving for something that isn’t juice…probably a pizza burrito. The struggle is real.