“I miss your face” = “but not as much as your body”.
If loose lips sink ships then Steven Tyler must have been aboard the Titanic.
In space, nobody can see you juggle.
If you’ve ever slipped on an actual banana peel, you are a bold-faced liar.
Ear hairs just protect against earwigs and girlfriends.
Baby carrots were all accidents.
Jewish wasps can only be found in Miami during the winter.
If I had my druthers, I think I would have one pair of druthers but I’m not positive.
Pluto still exists, it’s just called Kirstie Alley.
Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole made $140 million and you still live with your parents.
Jeremiah actually wasn’t a bullfrog, but Three Dog Night doesn’t care about prophets.
“40 Oz. to Freedom” by Sublime is better known as “1.183 Litres to Emancipation” in the rest of the world.
Remember: humpbacks always reciprocate.
Stratford-upon-Avon gave us both William Shakespeare and a really difficult sex position.
Karl Lagerfeld has been holding in a sneeze for 30 years.
Chelsea Handler’s next book will be titled “Do They Have Hot Yoga in Hell?”
The Pixies’ gay cover band is also called The Pixies.
In 30 light years, extraterrestrials will pick up a short broadcast of the KIA commercials starring the dancing hamsters and decide we are not worth conquering.
The following movies are commonly misconstrued as adult entertainment: All The President’s Men, The Bone Collector, An American in Paris, Dirty Harry, The 400 Blows (Les Quatre Cents Coups),The French Connection, Goldfinger, Inside Job, Jailhouse Rock, Toy Story, District 9, The Thing.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry unless love to you means S&M because sometimes people get hurt doing that, I’ve heard.
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers and then immediately got indigestion.
It is what it is wasn’t until it was.
If you give a mouse a cookie, he will certainly get diabetes.
Putting lipstick on a pig is a bad idea since a lot of pigs are allergic to cosmetics.
The grass is always greener on the other side unless you get that Hindu Kush shit because that is the bomb.
If you made it just by the skin of your teeth, that’s great but I would recommend making appointments with your dentist and dermatologist ASAP.
Han shot first because even at that distance he just couldn’t tell it was an air soft gun.
A crash of rhinoceros > a pride of lions > a murder of crows
“Trust me, I’m a doctor” is much more reassuring than “trust me, I’m a politician”
Axe body spray is the anti-rape whistle.
All your friends who say they read Gravity’s Rainbow are lying. Also, get new friends.
That triangle player is under compensating and a good lay.
If the glass is only half full, keep pouring idiot.
That voice in your head is speaking Farsi so it really shouldn’t affect you at all.
If you are too old for that shit, buying Depends would probably be a good investment.
It’s important to be an accurate typist, especially if you work in pubic relations.
Staring into the middle distance causes cancer.
Are you there God? It’s me, Callista Gingrich will be released in 2013 after yet another divorce.
Sorry dogs, but man’s best friend is porn.
Sorry dawgs, but LMFAO ruined it for everyone.
Death by chocolate is an actual punishment in Switzerland.
There is a circle of hell specifically reserved for people with first names as their first and last name.
Shark Week is an affront to narwhals everywhere.
HINT: The Very Hungry Caterpillar is about bulimia.
I think we all know what Roosevelt really meant when he said “speak softly and carry a big stick.”
Attn Jeff Dunham: The “For Dummies” book series hasn’t yet published a “Ventriloquism for Dummies,” surprisingly.
A brotha from another color mother is really just a step-brotha.
King Midas never once masturbated.
The Who still don’t understand Abbott and Costello.
Pickles are just aborted cucumbers. Delicious aborted cucumbers.
Ordering a carafe is wildly un-American. They’re called pitchers.
The number of people that saw The Smurfs is directly proportional to those that suffer from depression.
Stephen Sondheim is hard at work on his newest musical: Arab Spring Awakening.
Technically, Lance Armstrong should be a unicyclist, you know, because of his one testicle.
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