53 “Typical Noo Yawk” Things All Visitors To NYC Must Do


1. Try lox spread!

2. Visit Astoria Park at sunset.

3. Run terrified from Astoria Park at sundown.

4. Smell the horse manure at Central Park.

5. Get a manicure by an Asian woman.

6. Go to a Mets game!

7. Frantically struggle to make decisions at a Flatiron salad bar.

8. Parallel park.

9. Get parking ticket because all street signs require fucking Rosetta Stone-level interpreting.

10. Make out with a sweaty brown man after 2AM.

11. Walk through the hot steam of trash day.

12. Wait ~35 minutes for a weekend train to an outer borough after a night of drinking and contemplate pissing your pants.

13. Wander into the wrong end of Bushwick.

14. Shakespeare in the Park!

15. Feel utterly, desperately alone in a crowded room.

16. Get pastrami at Katz’s Delicatessen.

17. Give money to a homeless junkie.

18. Get chased by a homeless junkie.

19. Seriously consider a homeless junkie.

20. Lose Metrocard with any amount >$7 on it.

21. Mis-swipe Metrocard at least 4X during rush hour morning commute.

22. Drunkenly consider HJing a cab driver.

23. Ride the Cyclone at Coney Island!

24. Bleed on a stranger.

25. Get shoved.

26. Wonder if you’re capable of murder.

27. Discover you aren’t.

28. Openly cry on a subway train.

29. File a police report (any reason you choose).

30. Skip out on a bar tab.

31. Sing karaoke in a dark underground basement.

32. Let a middle-aged man buy you a Coors Lite.

33. Happen upon a used condom that doesn’t belong to you.

34. Have a “bed bug scare.”

35. Utilize a SoulCycle free trial.

36. Touch a subway pole and remember you forgot to wash your hands midway through lunch.

37. Listen to a coworker’s story about the “hellish” wait for the elevator.

38. Sit on a public toilet seat with visible pubes.

39. See a storytelling show at The Moth or Joe’s Pub.

40. Discover that most anyone can live with water bugs.

41. Splurge on a Dry Bar.

42. Smoke cigarettes, even though you promised your mom you never would.

43. Develop irreversible rage toward your penny-pinching landlord.

44. Try Momofuku. DUH!

45. Flirt with a street meat vendor for extra sauce.

46. Suffer violent and excessive diarrhea in public (unrelated to street meat).

47. Union Square Farmers Market!

48. See a show at the Comedy Cellar.

49. Witness an improv show that costs actual money.

50. Step in warm dog shit because your ass-hat of a friend neglected to warn you.

51. Max out your data getting directions to the correct hole-in-the-wall brunch spot.

52. Panic.

53. Leave a swamp-ass stain on a subway seat.