5 Ways Not To Be A Damn Animal (In Public)

One day, I was sitting in a coffee shop, minding my business, when I felt a splash of ice water graze my shins. Mind you: this was way before the #icebucketchallenge. Looking around, I expected to see a spontaneous, indoor tsunami. Instead, I saw that the water had been accidentally hurled at me by my neighbor’s arm. Interestingly, my neighbor sat there, completely nonchalant, as if he hadn’t just made it rain on me like a side-chick at 1Oak on a Saturday night.

Like an “adult”, I sulked. Really, I wanted to give this man an opportunity to #fixitjesus. However, after several minutes of nothing, I alerted the coffee shop staff about the spill/potential lawsuit on their hands. You know, the one where an innocent bystander slips on the puddle of water and breaks their neck, resulting in a million dollar payout from their insurance company? 

Within two minutes, they cleaned up this man’s mess. However, had that been me who spilled the water, I would have grabbed some napkins and cleaned up the mess myself because I’m not a damn animal. While some say there’s no sense in crying over spilt milk, I’ll cry over spilt water. But let’s keep it 100: I’m not saying I haven’t had my own sloppy, animalistic moments.

More often than not, my bedroom resembles a studio-sized Grey Gardens. But that’s within the privacy of my own home. Sadly, some humans don’t share that mindset and let their inner-animals run buckwild amongst us in the general pop. And that ain’t right. So for those people, I’ve come up with 5 ways not to be a DAMN ANIMAL in public:

1.  CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF

Common decency dictates that if you spill something, break something, or knock something over in public, then CLEAN IT UP! And if you aren’t about that life: your entitlement isn’t just laughable, it’s actually irritating, because you shouldn’t expect other people to clean up after your mess. And if for some reason you can’t clean up your own mess, then politely ask for help.  Also, here’s a pearl of wisdom: the world isn’t your own personal oyster.

2. BE CONSIDERATE OF OTHERS

Waiting for my iced coffee the other day, I couldn’t help but notice a scruffy man in his late fifties standing less than one foot away from me, furiously scratching at his balls. Look, we get it: balls itch, but did he really need to scratch his balls to the tune of whatever ballad he was randomly (quietly) singing to himself as he did so? I’d guess ‘no.’ Remember: other people, besides your testicles, co-exist with you in this world.

3. RESPECT OTHER PEOPLE’S PERSONAL SPACE

Have you ever been standing in line somewhere (like a Drake concert or the supermarket), and felt the warm, vaporous feeling of your neighbor’s hot-ass breath on your back or neck?  Has that ever happened to you? Well, it’s happened to me, and it’s gross! Need I remind all of you that we’re living in Ebola times, and there is no need for anyone to be standing so close to me that I can feel their hot-ass breath on the back of my neck (“my back, my p****, or my c****”). And if I can, they better be supplying the condoms/buying me breakfast the next morning.

4. BE POLITE

Remember the antiquated terms, “please,” “thank you,” and “excuse me”? For example, if someone holds the door for you, it’s not because they’re professional door-genies who exist for the sole purpose of holding doors for ungrateful narcissists who can’t be bothered to utter two of the easiest words in the human language (*cough* – thank you). It’s because they’re trying to be respectful and kind, and you should oblige them with some semblance of gratitude.

5. MIND YOURSELF

Every so often, I encounter this one handsome man at my gym, who smells so badly I’m not unconvinced he isn’t harboring several, dead, feral cats under his tank top. I mean, his body odor is so offensive it should get its own weekly FOX NEWS segment. With that said, ‘GIRL, WHY (and girl, bye)!? I mean, I get this is some sort of fetish, but do you really need to smell like a biological weapon of mass destruction to get your rocks off? If you happen to be one of those people, please spare us. Mind yourself (and your body odor).

And that’s really it. I’m sure there are ton of things I’m forgetting about here, and I’m sure some of you may agree or not agree with me, but it’s easier than you think to not be a damn animal in public. So let’s all give it a shot, okay?