1. The Pregnant Guys In Labor
Honestly, I don’t know what they are doing in the gym. Their water has obviously broke, and even with the amount of common sense they have, it should be sufficient enough for them to realise that the last thing to do while you’re giving birth is to be lifting 40-pounds weights. Come on guys, do you know how ridiculous you sound? You’re supposed to be working at the gym not on the bed. Your constant moaning and groaning just makes it sound like you’re having a complex case of consti-gasm; constipation with a pleasant side effect of an orgasm.
2. The Concert Organisers
As unbelievable as it sounds, there are actually people who sing at the gym. I’m not kidding. There was this once when I’m working on getting out of 2XS-sized shirts for the rest of my life when this guy on the bench next to me started singing “Just The Way You Are”. Throughout my last rep, I was approaching him inside my head, taking off his earpieces and telling him, if you’re amazing just the way you are, what the hell are you still doing in a gym.
And it’s also beyond my comprehension abilities as to how blasting music is going to help you in your workout. Maybe it will give you more strength, more stamina, or more willpower, but guess what, I believe that’s filed under “Your Problem”.
3. The Hairdressers
Ahhhh, every gym has them. They come in with painstakingly styled hair, and expect to leave the gym with the same, exact hairstyle after lying and rolling around on the benches, sweating profusely and numerous times of wiping the towel on your head. I know it’s easy to mix them up since both start with the letter “G”, but the Gym and Gatsby are two separate things.
Which part of your body are you working out exactly when you’re fingerboarding your hair every five seconds? Your hair muscles? At this rate, you can achieve similar results in a shorter amount of time by sleeping at the comfort of your house.
You’re at the gym for goodness sake, not at a fashion show in Milan or Paris. To put it frankly, you’re supposed to look terrible. The constant sweeping of your hair just reminds me of that girl… what is her name… ahhh… Justin Bieber.
4. The Neck-Bent-Over Tribe
These are the people who can’t peel their eyes away from their phones. They are usually the ones who just slacks in one corner, tweeting about how exhausted they are even though they did nothing since stepping into the gym… 30 mins ago.
Yo, news flash, you wouldn’t succeed and achieve anything if you just sit there and do practically nothing, well unless you’re part of the Kardashian family. That’s a different story.
Is it that hard to keep your phone away for just an hour though? I mean if, wait give me a minute my mom just called.
As I was saying, if the phone call is urgent, yea we would understand. But are most of the things you’re saying really that important? Let me answer that for you. Is Taylor Swift ever going to not write a song whenever she breaks up?
It’s extremely distracting for other patrons when you’re constantly on the line with somebody. If you have to reply business emails, or deal with high-priority tasks, honestly, you shouldn’t be in the gym. With your mind unfocused, you’ll end up feeling exhausted, not satisfied.
Maybe then you can tweet about it.
5. Kenyan Athletes
Another way of referring to the hoggers. You know how Kenyans seem to have an endless supply of stamina? Yea. Like them, the hoggers just keep running and running on the treadmill, even after the 20 mins usage time is up. But since we’re humans, and we make mistakes, I guess it’s understandable that we might miss a huge sign indicating the time limit that’s just right beside the start button. Humans.
But perhaps the most perplexing observation made is that, these people are the ones that are doing absolutely nothing on the treadmill. Nothing. I don’t even know what they’re looking at, or thinking about. Your achievements list shouldn’t take you more than a second right?
Then there are the “homies” that hog the benches till the cows are tired of coming home. Maybe the jacked guy beside you bench pressing 200lbs. didn’t make the memo clear enough, but the benches are not for sitting. This isn’t a park.
Look around you, guys are giving birth.